


Dear Ranger Becket

by Amethystina



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: And believe it or not, Angst, But it will hurt quite a bit before we get there, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Letters, Lots of anger (I'm looking at you Chuck), M/M, Permanent Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-11
Updated: 2014-07-25
Packaged: 2018-02-08 09:36:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 32,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1935963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amethystina/pseuds/Amethystina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raleigh can admit that he finds it rather flattering to recieve fan letters but never pays them much attention until Charlie starts writing to him. Raleigh can't quite bring himself to answer but this Charlie - a sincere young boy determined to become a Jaeger pilot just like Raleigh - definitely leaves an impression on him. It's lingering enough that even after Knifehead, losing Yancy and returning to the PPDC five years later, Raleigh still hasn't forgotten about him, even if the letters ceased coming long ago.</p><p>And when Raleigh meets Chuck Hansen he can't help but wonder if this might be the Charlie he once knew. How many Jaeger pilots can there be with that name? But Chuck is nothing like Charlie and their ages don't match. Where Charlie was innocent and hopeful Chuck is arrogant and cynical. They can't possibly be the same person, can they?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Letters

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I saw [THIS](http://global-heating.tumblr.com/post/84564143495/oh-shit-theres-stickers) post over at Tumblr, made by [global-heating](http://global-heating.tumblr.com/), and while I don't watch It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia the basic idea had potential. So after getting permission to write it I added my own twist, some kind of plot and literal PILES of angst, topped off with a happy ending. And that's what you see here now. I really enjoyed writing this - especially the parts with Raleigh and Yancy - but yeah, it's gonna hurt so brace yourselves.
> 
> [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum) beta'ed as always - I am totally overworking my poor beta here - and I'll be over at my [Tumblr](http://amethystinawrites.tumblr.com/) if you want to find me! Enjoy!
> 
> Also: art is made by me!

 

* * *

 

Raleigh didn't really pay much mind to the first letter from Charlie. He saw no reason why it would be different from the dozens of others he received from fans all over the world. He read it, sure, but it didn't stand out. He forgot what it said five minutes after having put it down, remembering its existence only because of the colorful stickers attached to it, and suspected that it was cleaned up and tossed away since he never saw it again.

He didn't have a habit of keeping the fan letters.

At that point in his life Raleigh just accepted the praise and attention with a cocky, pleased smirk, certain that he had earned it considering how hard he had fought to reach the point he had.

Yancy thought that Raleigh was growing almost disturbingly addicted to it all but only ever said so in that playfully mocking big brother voice of his, so Raleigh figured he wasn't completely off the rails yet. Yancy would let him know if he ever became too arrogant. But until then Raleigh would enjoy it. He knew he wasn't entitled to everything just because he was a Jaeger pilot but some appreciation was due, right?

He quite liked the letters. The interviews and the fame. The attention from the girls. He was young enough to lose himself in the tempting rock star illusion and the fan letters from people of all ages just served to strengthen the feeling of having found his place in the world. He felt appreciated in a way he hadn't known that he craved.

So he drank it all in, like that unassuming letter from some kid called Charlie who praised Raleigh's abilities and wanted to become a Jaeger pilot too. All of the kids did. They wanted to grow up to be heroes, just like him, and while a part of Raleigh felt flattered he knew that not even a tenth of them would ever actually try. Sooner or later they would understand what a sacrifice it was – the hard road they would have to travel if they actually joined the Jaeger Academy – and most of them would steer clear of those childish, naïve notions.

Raleigh had found out first hand that there was more to being a Ranger than the fame.

He hadn't been all that serious when he first joined. There were many others who fought harder than him and Yancy and Raleigh wasn't ashamed to admit that he hadn't really known what he had signed up for until he fell into bed after their first kill, high on their victory but aching and exhausted like never before. The adrenaline crash left him knocked out for hours in some hotel room in LA, his legs tangled up with Yancy's since both of them had apparently chosen the bed furthest from the door but didn't give enough fucks to move to the other when they realized it was already occupied.

After Yamarashi Raleigh felt both elated and more scared than ever. The rush of piloting a Jaeger – all that power and the satisfaction of knowing that he made a difference and had saved hundreds and thousands of lives – was like nothing he had ever experienced. But there was a small corner of his mind, reserved for his darkest, most secret of fears, that kept reminding him that he couldn't let his guard down. It was like a chill down his spine, foreboding and suffocating, urging him not to take anything for granted.

Jaegers were winning – the Kaiju were being pushed back – but they hadn't won the war yet. Raleigh wondered if that was actually Yancy talking, influencing him through the Drift. Yancy always had been the more practical, sensible one.

Yancy was also the only one who knew about Raleigh's creeping doubts. He never said anything but every now and then, during training or in the Drift, Raleigh would feel his brother's calm reassurance. They knew what they were doing. They had trained for this. They might not be exemplary or conventional soldiers but they were good at what they did. They would be fine.

Raleigh clung to that – clung to Yancy and the stability he offered.

Some days he didn't know what he would do if he didn't have Yancy at his side.

Raleigh knew that he took note of Charlie's second letter only because of those stickers, Gipsy Danger's logo placed proudly on the envelope flap like some kind of official seal of approval. It made Raleigh grin. That and the fact that the kid apparently wrote to him twice. They didn't usually do that, either because they lost interest when he didn't reply or because they figured that one letter was enough.

But not this kid. So for once Raleigh actually took the time to read the letter more thoroughly, having grown tired of ineffectively swatting at Yancy's foot that peeked out over the edge of the top bunk. His big brother was clearly not willing to succumb to Raleigh's juvenile demands for attention and therefore chose to ignore him completely. Which, naturally, left Raleigh bored and jittery.

So reading fan letters it was.

Raleigh would never admit it but he was extra careful not to ruin the Gipsy Danger sticker when he opened the envelope. Inside was a single sheet of paper, slightly yellowed and worn on the edges, like it came from a pad that had seen better days.

Charlie's handwriting was scratchy and uneven but clearly legible – which showed signs of somewhat developed motor functions – and Raleigh briefly wondered how old the kid was. Not that it actually mattered. But if he were to guess he'd say thirteen.

 

 

_Dear Ranger Becket,_

_That sounds pretty stupid, doesn't it? But I'm not sure what else to start with. I just wanted to write again and tell you how cool I think you are. You and your brother. You're both so young but get to pilot Jaegers. I want to do that as well. I'm not sure if my dad would let me though since I'm not old enough but I know I would be good at it. I want to try it._

_It will probably piss him off but I kinda want it to._

_I don't really get along with my dad. Did you get along with yours?_

_I know you probably get a lot of letters from kids like me saying that they want to pilot too but I'm different. You probably won't believe me but I am. I know I can do it. I'm going to apply to the Academy as soon as I can. I know it will be tough but I'm a tough kid. I can do it. I'm going to become a great Jaeger pilot, one of the best! Just like you._

_Maybe one day we'll fight a Kaiju together. That would be so awesome! I know I'm probably supposed to cheer on Lucky Seven but I like Gipsy Danger more. I think you and your brother are really kickass. I want you to know that._

_I don't know if you got my first letter or not but it would be nice if you could write back. My old man says I'm not good at asking nicely but I figured I'd give it a shot this time, since I really, really want you to. I'd like to become friends if you have the time._

_I think you're awesome and I'm going to become a pilot like you. Thanks for keeping us safe._

_Always on your side,  
Charlie_

 

 

Raleigh couldn't help the crooked smile on his lips. While he definitely felt a twinge of guilt from knowing that he'd never reply despite the polite request – mostly because Raleigh had no idea how the heck you wrote letters to kids – it was nice knowing someone was cheering him on.

The kid didn't seem all that bad, ignoring the obvious daddy issues that really weren't any of Raleigh's business, but Raleigh could admit that he didn't believe in this Charlie. Not many people became Jaeger pilots in the end, even if they made it as far as the Academy. It wasn't for lack of trying but sometimes it just didn't work out. Like not making the second or third cut, or not finding anyone they were compatible with. There were so many variables to consider and Raleigh was actually a little surprised to have managed himself, considering the high standard.

But there was no denying that the kid showed a great deal of determination.

Raleigh briefly toyed with the idea to send a reply – he was pretty sure he had seen a return address on the back of the envelope – but he honestly had no idea what to say. He didn't want to give the kid false hope, not when he seemed so sincere. So perhaps it was just better to ignore him, even if it made Raleigh feel like a bastard.

"Hey, Yance?"

Raleigh heard a non-committal sound from the top bunk that he chose to interpret as Yancy being at least vaguely aware of what Raleigh was saying.

"I'm a bit of a jerk sometimes, aren't I?"

There was barely even a pause before Yancy replied in a gloriously deadpan voice.

"Is this you admitting to stealing my dessert two days ago?"

Raleigh didn't even bother to hide his grin.

"Because if it is then yes, yes you are," Yancy continued.

Raleigh huffed out an amused chuckle, the letter resting on his chest as he stared up at the bunk above him, one hand behind his head and the other relaxed against the yellowed sheet of paper.

"No, of course not. I maintain my innocence," he defended cheekily. He could practically _hear_ Yancy roll his eyes. "I just meant-... well..."

Raleigh frowned, not quite sure what he was getting at himself. The silence between them was short-lived however, since Yancy was far too good at being a concerned, considerate big brother to just let that slide.

"Well what?"

"I don't know," Raleigh admitted with a shrug, glancing down at the letter. "Do you ever reply to the things people write to you?"

Yancy paused for a second, probably wondering why Raleigh was asking that all of a sudden.

"Sometimes, but not always. I don't have the time and yeah, that makes me feel like a bit of a jerk, if that's what you're asking." Yancy kept going when Raleigh didn't seem inclined to reply. "How come? Don't tell me you're going to answer one of those cheesy love letters you've gotten."

Raleigh snorted on a laugh.

"Hell no. I was just... wondering. Thinking. I don't want to seem ungrateful."

"Hey, kid, you're already risking your life to keep them safe. I think they can handle not getting replies to their fanmail. No need to feel guilty about that."

It was impossible not to smile. Yancy often made a stupid amount of sense. Well, when Raleigh wasn't mad at him, that was.

"You good?" Yancy asked, his hand falling down over the edge of the bed, his fingers waving as if to catch Raleigh's attention. Raleigh grinned before reaching up to bump his fist against Yancy's.

"Yeah, all good."

It seemed enough to reassure Yancy, his hand disappearing up and out of sight again. Raleigh had enough time to settle down, fingers interlaced, cradling the back of his skull, before Yancy spoke up again.

"This does not extend to stolen treats. That you should feel guilty about. Very guilty."

Raleigh closed his eyes, grin wide on his lips.

"I'm just looking out for you, Yance. You'll get soft around the edges if you eat too many sweets," he teased. He didn't believe it for a second but he couldn't help poking fun of his brother.

He probably should have expected the pillow that hit him with a whump a second later, and was definitely smart enough to make a mad scramble to get out of his bed when Yancy dropped down from the top bunk. Raleigh choked on a spluttering laugh when he narrowly dodged Yancy's attempt to catch him, tumbling onto the floor in a surprisingly orderly fashion. Their room wasn't nearly big enough for a game of tag but damned if they didn't try to make it work anyway.

Raleigh didn't even notice where the letter ended up in the mess of sheets, limbs and flying pillows – it wasn't important enough to register at that time. It was only a week later when he found the empty envelope tucked in between one of Yancy's books and Raleigh's coffee cup that he remembered it and tried to find it again.

He actually felt rather sad when he couldn't.

Raleigh was so focused on his life – battling Kaiju, training and the brief instances of free time he had in between his duties – that he didn't really notice how long it took between the second and third letter. He didn't keep track and only registered it as a side note in his otherwise busy existence. It just felt a little surreal that some random kid somewhere in the world felt that attached to him. Raleigh couldn't quite figure out why since he had always thought that Yancy was the more inspiring one.

The third letter didn't have any stickers so it wasn't until Raleigh had already opened it and started reading that he even realized who it was from. He was actually a little surprised that he remembered the kid in the first place considering the amount of fans Raleigh had and the fact it had to have been a year since the last letter.

 

 

_Hi there Ray,_

_I'm not sure if you're even reading these since you didn't reply to my last two letters but I just wanted to tell someone – someone who isn't my dad. I guess you care about as much as he does but I got into the Jaeger Academy! I told you I would!_

_I can admit that I'm pretty excited and a little nervous. I know I don't have to be, not really, because they say that my scores are pretty fucking good already. I think you'd be impressed if you saw them. But I don't want to be just good – I want to be one of the best. Perhaps even better than you and your brother. But I think it will take a while before I get there._

_I can't help wondering what it would be like if I actually got to meet you. Or spar with you, just for fun. I wonder who would win, you know? After I've gotten some training, I mean._

_Maybe we would be Drift compatible. I know there are no guarantees – not all pilots are compatible with each other – but that would be pretty cool. Not that you'd ever pilot with anyone but your brother, right? I can't really imagine it either to tell the truth. You're the Becket brothers._

_I think you're lucky to have him. Sometimes I wish I had a brother or sister but I'm not sure if it would make much of a difference. My old man would still be too busy with the war to notice. So it's good that you have someone to look out for you, and someone you can look after. It must feel comforting to have someone to share all of this shit with._

_Anyways, I just wanted to share the news. I know that not everyone who enlists manage to become pilots but I promise you that I will. Partly to show my old man that I can. Or maybe I'm just sentimental and stupid enough to want to make him proud._

_Either way I'll make sure to graduate and become a Ranger. And then maybe we will actually get to fight together after all?_

_I'll let you know how it goes._

_Be safe,  
Charlie_

 

 

Well he'll be damned. Joining the Academy was no guarantee that Charlie would ever get to jockey but Raleigh could admit that he was clearly more devoted than Raleigh had given him credit for. Raleigh wasn't sure if anyone of those who had actually written to him in the past had followed through on their promise to pilot but this kid was obviously going for it with all he had.

Raleigh could definitely respect that.

It seemed like the kid was a lot older than Raleigh had first guessed, or perhaps it was just him mixing up the years. Either way he couldn't help grinning, feeling surprisingly happy for Charlie despite the difficult career choice he had made. But Raleigh had done it was well so he was definitely not the one to judge.

Maybe they really would meet some day? If the kid became a pilot it could happen, since partnered Jaeger drops weren't uncommon. Raleigh was actually strangely okay with that prospect. Charlie honestly seemed a little lonely – 'a little' being somewhat of an understatement in this case.

Raleigh didn't exactly pity the kid but he was pretty sure that he remembered Charlie mentioning something about not getting along with his dad – as if the hints in the new letter weren't enough.

Raleigh could relate.

He and Yancy never talked about their dad walking out on them after their mom died but Raleigh was still pissed about it and what it had meant for the two of them. And Jazmine. Raleigh usually chose not to think about Jazmine.

Yancy knew about it of course since you couldn't hide something like that in the Drift, but he never called Raleigh out on his anger and the deep-rooted sense of betrayal. They didn't have time and perhaps both of them knew that it wasn't something you could fix anyway. It was just there. One fact amongst many, explaining what had shaped Raleigh and Yancy into the people they were today.

Raleigh couldn't say exactly why he suddenly decided to write Charlie a reply. He didn't usually do that but congratulations were definitely in order and Raleigh could admit that he still felt flattered that the kid wrote to him in the first place. It wouldn't cost him much to send off a brief note wishing the kid good luck in the Academy and maybe, just maybe, make him feel a little less lonely.

It was in all honesty rather heartbreaking.

But it turned out that Raleigh wasn't very that adept at writing letters, which left him sitting there staring at the blank page, running a hand through his hair while trying to work out how to express himself. Yancy teased him endlessly about it, probably because it had to look pretty stupid, but there was a slight fondness to it, as if he actually approved of the effort Raleigh was putting into it.

In the end Raleigh decided to just write whatever came to mind. The kid would have to settle for that. It was still more than anyone else had ever gotten.

 

 

_Hi Charlie,_

_I just wanted to say congratulations on joining the Jaeger Academy. You seem determined to become a pilot and I'm sure you'll do great, especially if you already have such high scores. I'm afraid I don't have any wise, inspirational advice to give you – that's more my brother's area of expertise – except maybe to train hard and never give up._

_And who knows? Maybe we will meet one day as fellow Rangers?_

_I wish you good luck anyway. I'll be waiting to hear about you when you graduate from the Academy._

_Thank you for your support,  
Raleigh_

 

 

It wasn't long or very poetic but Raleigh decided that it was good enough. It got the point across. He honestly wasn't sure if the kid would make it to graduation but that was the nice thing to say, right? It would probably make Charlie happy if nothing else.

Raleigh actually felt pretty good about the whole thing, until he started looking around for the envelope with the kid's address only to find that it was gone. Perhaps it was his own fault for taking so long to write his reply that the envelope got shuffled around and lost but he still felt almost unreasonably angry about it. But more than anything he felt disappointed. He actually _wanted_ to send a reply this time but couldn't. He hadn't kept any of the previous letters, throwing out the second envelope when he lost its content, so he really had no idea how to contact the kid.

Raleigh performed a frustrated, thorough search of their room in hopes of finding that envelope but was eventually forced to admit defeat.

Yancy found him sitting on the cold floor, back resting against the bottom bunk, slowly turning the folded letter over and over in his hands. Yancy took a seat on Raleigh's bed without a word, leaning his elbows against his knees. Raleigh didn't hesitate or look up, he just slipped the piece of paper into Yancy's waiting hand.

It didn't take long for Yancy to read it.

"Maybe you can just send it to the Academy and they can forward it to him?"

Raleigh didn't ask how Yancy knew what was wrong. Perhaps it was the Drift or perhaps it was the state of their room, which looked like someone had performed a very vigorous drug search.

"I don't know his last name. I didn't bother enough to remember it and Charlie-... Charles or whatever, isn't an uncommon name. There might be more than one."

Yancy shrugged, handing the letter back.

"Could be worth a try?"

"Yeah, maybe," Raleigh agreed, but a part of him knew that he probably wouldn't do it. Perhaps that made him a bad person but he didn't like the thought of it potentially ending up with the wrong Charlie. The kid probably didn't even expect a reply anyway considering that he hadn't gotten one before.

Which honestly only made Raleigh feel worse.

He let out an indignant little squawk when Yancy placed a hand on his head and shoved roughly enough to make him topple to the side, arms flailing to catch his fall.

"Cheer up, kiddo. If Charlie is as good as you and he seem to think he'll manage without your letter."

Raleigh shot Yancy a dirty look as he moved to sit upright again, his shoulder bumping against Yancy's knee. Raleigh made sure to stay there, his arm pressed against Yancy's leg.

"Yeah, I know. I just thought that he might like to know that someone is cheering him on. He seems a little lonely."

"Well, I guess not everyone can be as lucky as you and have such a wonderful, considerate big brother to look after them," Yancy replied with a grin, causing a nearly identical one to spread on Raleigh's lips.

"And you think I'm the cocky one?" he drawled, nudging Yancy's leg with his shoulder. His grin didn't fade even when Yancy reached out and ruffled his hair as if he was still ten years old.

"I think you're a brat, that's what I think," Yancy replied, but there was no mistaking the fondness in his voice, hinted between all the teasing.

Raleigh laughed, letting his head fall back, resting against the mattress behind him. He really was glad that Yancy was there with him – he didn't need Charlie to be reminded of that, or the fact that he couldn't imagine what it would be like have another co-pilot than his brother.

Raleigh knew that he was extremely lucky that they had both chosen the path they had.

He honestly wasn't sure what he would have done with his life if he hadn't become a Jaeger pilot. He was a rather fast learner but he didn't have many notable skills or a particularly impressive intellect. He did well but it was obvious that Yancy was the better of the two – piloting came natural to him in a way it didn't for Raleigh. But he learned to be good enough not to slow them down. They worked well together and he was proud of that.

Still, Raleigh couldn't help wondering what they would be up to if they hadn't joined the Academy. He started pestering Yancy about it until they actually explored the possibilities, lying in their beds in the dark that very same night, just throwing ideas at each other. Yancy snorted at Raleigh's insistence that they could be firefighters and Raleigh, in turn, laughed when he realized that Yancy would probably have gone for something involving law enforcement – because he was just a decent guy like that. Possibly something involving wearing a suit because while Yancy wasn't shallow he enjoyed making a good impression.

Raleigh lived for those moments. The private, sheltered moments with his brother where they could talk about anything they wanted. One would think that the Drift had rendered conversation obsolete but Raleigh always found new things he wanted to share and Yancy was never late to follow his tangents. They refused to stop talking just because they sometimes shared minds.

That didn't mean that they always got along – Raleigh was still young, bursting with energy and an immature kind of carelessness that rubbed Yancy the wrong way more than once – but they made do. Raleigh didn't like the way Yancy sometimes acted as if he had the moral high ground just because he was older, but that was pretty normal for brothers. Any pair of siblings really.

Raleigh wouldn't change a thing. He was glad to have Yancy there with him. It made life so much better and it wasn't just Charlie's letter that made him see that. Raleigh had never been forced to feel as lonely as Charlie obviously did and he knew to be grateful for that. He knew how important Yancy was to him.

Perhaps that was why it hurt so much.

Raleigh had never really understood the expression of having someone ripped from your life until it happened to him in stark, vivid Technicolor, Yancy's dying thoughts echoing through the sudden hollowness inside his mind. He forgot how to breathe when the suffocating silence engulfed him.

It was almost worse than the pain, to find that empty space where Yancy should have been – to feel the absence of his brother so acutely that Raleigh wasn't even sure if he'd ever be whole again.

Everything hurt, like a piece of him – his very existence – had been torn clean off. He felt raw, every single one of his nerve endings flaring up in searing, burning agony, and his mind was a gaping hole. It felt like he was losing what little clarity he had, Yancy slipping through his fingers even when Raleigh tried to hold on. Tried to pull him back.

Tried to make him stay.

Raleigh wasn't sure what happened next. He knew he remained standing. He knew he kept fighting, adrenaline flowing through his veins while his heart beat – defiant and steady – in his chest. But all of that was just a distant echo, barely registering through the crushing weight of what he had lost.

He couldn't breathe.

The silence in his mind was overwhelming. Yancy wasn't there. Raleigh was alone.

His brother wasn't there.

Yancy was gone.

Raleigh wasn't surprised to find himself in a hospital when he woke up. The sickbay at the Shatterdome might have been equally expected but he didn't exactly have a preference. He was too disoriented to really pay it any mind, instead clinging to the cold squeeze of loss in his chest.

Yancy was dead.

He knew that without anyone having to tell him. He had been there, inside Yancy's head, when it happened. Raleigh had seen and felt it too. Raleigh had died with Yancy.

He didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to even begin to mourn the loss of his brother and somehow come to terms with the fact that he was suddenly on his own. His mind was his and his alone, Yancy only a distant remnant that Raleigh did his best to hold on to. He didn't want to lose that. He _couldn't_ lose that.

It was a good thing that he didn't need to put any effort into getting better. His body seemed to handle that on its own despite the frail, vulnerable state he was in. His mind felt scattered – insubstantial somehow – but his heart kept beating. He recovered. Scars would linger, circuit patterns from the Drivesuit etched into his skin like a morbid parody of tattoos, but Raleigh didn't really care. It was nothing compared to the loss of his brother.

Raleigh knew what was expected of him – that the Marshal was giving him time to grieve but ultimately expected him to keep going – but Raleigh wasn't sure if he could. He hadn't even been released from the hospital and already felt like he was suffocating at the thought of climbing back into a Jaeger. He couldn't do it. Not after what had happened – not without Yancy.

And, truth be told, he would be surprised if they let him stay on. They had disobeyed a direct order by rescuing that boat and you could get dishonorably discharged for less. Not to mention that Gipsy was broken, possibly beyond repair.

That hurt more than Raleigh was willing to face. He had truly lost everything.

It was still not an easy decision to leave. He knew it was cowardly – definitely not what Yancy would have wanted – but Raleigh couldn't stand the thought of staying with the PPDC, not even to get his sentence on whether he would get to remain a Ranger or not. It didn't matter anymore.

He was hurt and angry and wanted to be left alone. He needed to find someplace where he could breathe without the ghost of Yancy hanging over him – without seeing the pity in people's eyes.

He couldn't do it.

Raleigh wasn't surprised to find a pile of letters and get-well gifts when he returned to his and Yancy's room after finally having gotten discharged from the hospital. It was only through sheer force of will that he kept himself from throwing them across the room. He didn't want it – any of it – and furiously went about packing his bag instead.

He only took the most important things – those that really mattered. The photos he and Yancy had collected over the years, from places they had visited while travelling with their mom and dad, the ones they had taken after joining the Academy and becoming Rangers. He took them down from the walls, searched through the drawers and secret piles, greedily gathering them up.

And just like that all of their memories were collected in a meager stack of pictures and pieces of paper in Raleigh's hands. He could barely keep them from shaking.

He flipped through some of them, hesitating when he realized that the letter from Charlie – still without its envelope – had somehow ended up in there. He couldn't remember where he had kept it but there it was, nestled in with the rest of his memories. Raleigh's reply was there too. He never did end up sending it and months had passed since then.

Raleigh decided to keep both of the letters. It was like a matching pair.

He placed the stack in his bag, safely wrapped inside one of his sweaters, and was just about to leave when he saw one lonely looking envelope on the desk. He couldn't help frowning. All the other get-well cards were piled on the small table next to the bunk bed, but not this one. Unlike the others it didn't have a stamp so it must have been hand delivered while he was in the hospital.

At first Raleigh thought that it might have been Tendo but there was something awfully familiar about the handwriting spelling out Raleigh's name at the front of the envelope. Raleigh carefully picked it up, almost as if he expected it to hurt him, turning it over in his hands. There was nothing on the back, no clues as to where it came from.

Raleigh swallowed, feeling the dull thump of his heart in his chest. He wasn't entirely sure and didn't want to unpack his things just to be able to compare the writing but he suspected that the letter was from Charlie.

He wavered indecisively for a couple of seconds before tossing the envelope into his bag, deciding that if he wanted to he could read it later. It would probably be about Yancy anyway and that could definitely wait until after Raleigh had gotten the hell away from the Shatterdome. Until he could breathe again.

It wasn't until two days later when Raleigh found himself tucked away in a motel room in some random little town that he felt calm enough to actually read it, and even that was rather relative. He still felt irrationally angry, grief and the bitter taste of failure lingering at the back of his throat. The Marshal hadn't been happy when he left but Raleigh couldn't care less. He didn't know how to be a Jaeger pilot without Yancy.

So there he was, without any future to speak of and more than a little lost.

Reading Charlie's letter didn't help one bit.

 

 

_Raleigh,_

_I know you're probably not even going to bother reading this – I imagine you have gotten quite a few of these letters already – but I want you to know that I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I can't imagine what you've been through, to lose him like that and to pilot Gipsy on your own, but I know you did your best. I know it must have cost you dearly._

_And I know it hurts._

_I lost my mum to the war, so long ago that I barely even remember her face, and I know it doesn't compare – of course it doesn't – but I'm sorry. Losing someone is never easy._

_I wish I could have done something to help but I'm too far away. I'm sorry. Maybe if you had had backup this wouldn't have happened. Maybe your brother would still be alive and you wouldn't have been forced to go through all of this. I wish I could have had your back._

_But I know you won't give up. Call it childish hope if you want but I can't imagine you doing that. It will probably only make you feel worse but I'm glad that one of you survived. You're a brilliant pilot and the PPDC can't afford to lose you – not both of you at the same time._

_I know this will make me sound so bloody pathetic but I really wish that I could meet you sometime. Heck, you're probably the closest thing I have to a friend which says quite a fucking lot about my social skills – or lack thereof – considering that it's just me talking at you._

_I guess I should be happy that you won't be reading this. And I hope you don't mind that I sent this through PPDC channels instead of the regular postal service. I figured it might actually reach you that way. If it even matters._

_Anyway, I wish you a speedy recovery and while I know it's not much I truly am sorry._

_I wish I could have done something to prevent this._

_Still on your side, like always,  
Charlie_

 

 

Raleigh had thought that he felt bad when seeing the disappointed look on the Marshal's face but that was nothing compared to the guilt he felt after Charlie's words. Which really wasn't Charlie's fault. He just gave Raleigh more credit than he deserved. Raleigh couldn't stay. He would have to dash Charlie's childish hopes, as he put it, because Raleigh wasn't as strong as the kid thought. He had no idea if he would ever be able to jockey again and certainly not immediately after his brother's death.

Raleigh could still see it, repeated in a loop, every time he closed his eyes. Sometimes it was his own memories of that one heart-stopping moment that he saw and sometimes it was Yancy's. No matter how he tried he never got away from it.

He didn't even want to know what would happen if someone was forced to Drift with him. He'd swallow them completely, pulling them into his never-ending spiral of memories from Yancy's death. He couldn't see beyond it. And not to mention that there still was no telling if Raleigh was even up for it. The doctors had tentatively mentioned risks of brain damage – from piloting Gipsy on his own – but Raleigh had refused any tests. He didn't want it confirmed. He could live his life without knowing.

Raleigh sighed, rubbing a hand over his face before folding and slipping Charlie's letter back into the envelope. Raleigh appreciated the concern – at least he knew that the kid had followed their progress for years and not just tried to offer pity and condolences because it was the right thing to do – but it didn't really help. Not when it only made him feel more like a failure than ever. He had clearly already disappointed Charlie by turning his back on the PPDC and the kid probably wouldn't be as understanding when he heard the news of Raleigh leaving.

But it didn't matter. Raleigh was out and he wasn't likely to hear from Charlie ever again. It wasn't like he had left a forwarding address in Anchorage. Charlie could take his place and become the best Jaeger pilot, just like he wanted, saving the world where Raleigh couldn't. There was even less competition for that title now.

Understandably, that only made Raleigh feel worse.

But he still kept the letter.

Raleigh's life after that became nothing more than a blur. He found work where he could, lived out of his duffel bag and didn't have anything worth protecting except that stack of precious memories he had collected before leaving Anchorage. It suited him just fine.  
  
Time dulled the loss and grief until it wasn't burning relentlessly under his skin all hours of the day. It became easier to handle. He didn't have any higher purpose but he got by. He kept away from the bigger cities and spotlight as well as he could, working on the Wall and watching the news about Kaiju attacks and fallen Jaegers just like any other civilian.  
  
They were losing.  
  
Raleigh tried to tell himself that even if he had stayed it wouldn't have made any difference. The Kaiju were getting bigger and stronger – Raleigh was just one man. One pilot among many. He wasn't that important.  
  
He still felt like a failure every single time he looked himself in the mirror. Raleigh's sense of responsibility was far too strong to let him off the hook. He had deserted from the battlefield and he felt like shit because of it. He was supposed to be better than that.  
  
He was supposed to make Yancy proud.  
  
But there wasn't much he could do besides watch. He had chosen his path and he still knew that piloting a Jaeger with anyone but his brother – with Yancy's death hanging over him – wasn't an option. He couldn't go through that again, no matter who they paired him with.  
  
And so months passed. Years. Blending together into a dull, grey life consisting of solitude, denial and endless shifts on the Wall, until he could crash into bed, filthy and bone-tired, and hopefully sleep without being plagued by nightmares. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't.  
  
Raleigh got by.  
  
He didn't really think of Charlie during those years, mostly because he couldn't help the twinge of guilt whenever he did, but it was impossible not to when he suddenly saw Chuck Hansen on the news.  
  
Those words – Chuck's way of blaming the course of the war on the pilots proceeding him, calling them mediocre – it felt like an insult. A barb aimed straight at Raleigh. He was one of those pilots. He had abandoned the cause and left the PPDC without one of their Rangers.  
  
It was impossible not to think of Charlie then, when he heard that suspiciously precise criticism, as if there was an intended target somewhere out there in the world. After all, how many Jaeger pilots could there be named Charles?  
  
Not that Raleigh had ever found out if Charlie had made it through the Academy. And when he thought about it Charlie was probably older than Chuck, who seemed too immature and arrogant to be the sincere, determined kid that had faithfully written letters to Raleigh throughout the years. Charlie had enlisted years ago and Chuck couldn't have been more than a kid back then, far too young to be pulled into the war they were fighting.  
  
Besides, Charlie had never mentioned anything about his father being a Jaeger pilot as well which was a rather important detail in the great scheme of things.  
  
So Chuck couldn't be Charlie. Perhaps Raleigh could have confirmed it if he actually bothered to look it up or kept more up to date with the news, but he rather left it the way it was. It didn't really matter.  
  
Or at least it didn't until Raleigh found himself in front of Marshal Pentecost, offered a chance to do something about all that self-loathing and guilt burning inside of him. Raleigh still hesitated because he knew his own limitations – he knew how he might unintentionally hurt whatever co-pilot he was assigned – but he couldn't deny that he'd rather go down fighting.  
  
He ended up saying yes.

 


	2. Jaegers

 

* * *

 

If there was one thing that distracted Raleigh from everything else currently screaming for attention inside his head – the war, his lingering grief, and even Charlie – it was meeting Mako. Raleigh couldn't say if he liked her or not, not from the beginning, but there was something with her that held his attention. He could almost feel something click into place the moment he saw her, even if he couldn't say exactly what it was.

Even her insulting frankness – her lack of tact when she told him what she thought about his fighting technique and personality – was strangely intriguing. It ruffled his feathers a little, sure, but she wasn't wrong. And she seemed to understand that even if he was willing to give her that much it didn't mean that she was right either. Her eyes saw black and white in a way that was almost naïve, despite how intelligent she clearly was, and Raleigh wasn't sure if he had ever seen that kind of innocence before.

Mostly because it wasn't a weakness. Not in Mako. If anything he would call it purity. There was a certainty and undying sincerity to the things she did, despite her inexperience, and it was difficult not to get pulled in. She put every inch of her heart and soul into her work, showing a kind of devotion that Raleigh had sorely lacked the past couple of years.

For all their differences there was a part of her that reminded Raleigh of Yancy.

Not their personalities – God no – but the way they made him feel. Seeing Mako, listening to her gentle but confident voice, made something unmistakably reminiscent of _purpose_ stir in Raleigh's chest. While he was still hesitant about the whole plan and knew better than to trust anyone completely – not Mako and definitely not the Marshal – it was nice to have direction again. It might be a suicide mission fuelled by desperation but it sure beat crawling around on top of the Wall.

So Raleigh was in, even if he knew that it wouldn't be easy.

Meeting Chuck Hansen was, in comparison to Mako's steady, comforting presence, like a surprise punch in the face.

Raleigh had never met a person so intent on pissing him off and he had no idea where the seemingly unexplained resentment came from. For a second Raleigh wondered if he would have to reevaluate his conclusion that Charlie and Chuck couldn't possibly be the same person – surely no one could be that much of an ass towards a complete stranger – but Chuck never said anything. Never so much as hinted that he knew who Raleigh was beyond someone who had jockeyed before and that was common knowledge.

Chuck even asked how long ago it was since Raleigh last piloted a Jaeger and that, if anything, was something Charlie would know. Chuck wasn't Charlie. Chuck didn't care who Raleigh was and they didn't know each other.

Which was actually somewhat of a relief. Raleigh didn't want to know what could possibly have happened to turn someone like Charlie – who had, all things considered, been very considerate and respectful even in Raleigh's time of grief – into the arrogant, spoiled brat in front of him.

Chuck was clearly aiming for some kind of record when it came to immaturity and disgustingly self-centered boasting. Raleigh didn't like him one bit. There was a fire in him, sure – a determination similar to Mako's – and Chuck had to be a good pilot to have ended up where he was, but that didn't mean that Raleigh had to accept his bullshit. If anything he felt sorry for Herc and how obviously ashamed he was of his son's behavior.

Raleigh appreciated the distraction offered by the candidate trials.

His frustration over Mako's disapproval of his performance quickly bled into excitement over their sparring session. They were clearly compatible. She met him head on when he attacked, challenged him when he was too passive and wasn't afraid to call him out on the mistakes he made.

She was perfect.

And it never even occurred to him to compare her to Yancy this time. He knew that they were too different for that and it wasn't fair to either of them. Mako was her own and if Raleigh was to have another co-pilot it had to be her. No one else could match him.

Too bad Pentecost didn't seem to agree. Raleigh wanted to curse the Marshal for being so stubborn for no apparent reason. Mako was clearly the best candidate and if the mission was so sensitive then they should all do their outmost to make it successful. Assigning Mako as his co-pilot should have been the only logical conclusion after their sparring session. Anything else was just ludicrous.

The smug smirk on Chuck's face only served to piss Raleigh off more. There was no reason for him to look so pleased with himself.

But Raleigh knew better than to do anything about either of those things. Confronting Chuck would surely only escalate into some kind of argument – possibly a full-blown fight – and Raleigh knew that there was nothing he could say to make the Marshal change his mind. Not when Mako herself seemed to have accepted the decision.

Raleigh couldn't quite figure out why despite her talk about respect but knew that he would only insult her if he kept insisting. She didn't need him to fight her battles, especially not against a man she clearly knew better than Raleigh did. That much Raleigh knew when it came to respect and she had earned his, at least in this matter.

But that still left him dejected as he made his way to Gipsy's test run. He stopped briefly as if to knock on Mako's door but eventually found that he had no idea what to say. It was out of Raleigh's hands and she wouldn't disobey the Marshal's orders. Raleigh wanted her to be his co-pilot and he couldn't imagine who else Marshal Pentecost might pick but there was nothing he could do.

Raleigh turned away from Mako's door without knocking, accepting that sometimes it didn't matter what he wanted – he just had to face and handle the situation he had been dealt.

Yancy's death had taught him that.

So when Mako walked up to join him in the Conn-Pod, looking so proud that even Raleigh felt a sudden burst of it in his chest? There wasn't much he could say, except the absolute truth.

She looked good.

She looked like she belonged.

Raleigh knew that Drifting with someone again would be difficult. He knew that he would make it so much harder for his co-pilot considering the amount of baggage he was carrying around – especially for someone as inexperienced as Mako, who had only ever run simulations before – but he hadn't been able to foresee what actually happened. 

There were no words to properly express the magnitude of the guilt he was feeling.

It was his fault. Mako had been doing great up until he threw her out of alignment and now everyone would judge her performance as unsatisfactory because of his failure. She deserved so much better than that. She had so much potential and Raleigh had been the one to ruin their trial run, not her.

It was partly that feeling of guilt that set Raleigh's teeth on edge when Chuck came storming out from the Marshal's office and immediately started spitting insults at them. Raleigh was furious with himself for giving Chuck ammunition – he honestly couldn't say that Chuck was entirely wrong to criticize what had happened – and Raleigh couldn't stand knowing that if it hadn't been for him Mako would have been spared the humiliation.

So Raleigh didn't care when Chuck chose him as his target. Raleigh could take it because Chuck's opinion didn't matter all that much to him anyway – he was just a rude, egotistical brat who thought too highly of himself – but when it started bleeding over to include Mako Raleigh couldn't help his responding flare of anger.

She didn't deserve to have those kinds of insults flung at her but had enough integrity not to lash out just to defend her sense of pride. Mako still didn't need Raleigh to fight her battles – he knew that she was perfectly capable of doing that herself – but Raleigh was not going to just stand there and allow Chuck's frankly unacceptable behavior.

Raleigh didn't feel any kind of satisfaction when he landed the first punch and watched Chuck's head snap back in a way that probably hurt quite a bit. He didn't feel proud when his second blow connected or when he drew first blood. And he didn't feel any better when he realized that no matter how hard he hit and no matter if he managed to get Chuck on his knees or not Mako wouldn't be getting that apology.

The anger burning in Chuck's eyes was feral and raw in a way that Raleigh couldn't understand, especially not compared to his own which left him feeling grim and almost detached rather than furious. Raleigh fought with determination but Chuck, he was motivated by something else. It was brutal and unrefined but also showed a shocking amount of undisguised honesty – a kind of vulnerability in how heedlessly he embraced it. The way he couldn't seem to curb it or hold it back, like it came from some innate, primal part of his essence and was just begging for an outlet.

Like something had finally snapped.

Perhaps it was wounded pride for being caught off-guard or perhaps it was really just childish, misplaced anger. For all Raleigh knew it could even be fear in the face of a mission that could very well cost all of their lives, but what he was certain of was that whatever Chuck was feeling he did so with his entire being. That intensity could probably have been rather breathtaking if it hadn't been for the way Chuck chose to let it manifest.

Raleigh didn't feel that he had won even when he managed to slam Chuck down on the floor, locked in a hold he couldn't possibly break, because deep down he knew that it changed nothing. Chuck hadn't understood what it was about – all that rage would still be eating away at him under the surface – and Mako wouldn't get her apology. The fight had served no other purpose than land them both with unnecessary injuries.

That and the unmistakable burn of hatred in Chuck's eyes when they broke apart.

For some reason that look and the low, savage growl Chuck let out made Raleigh feel inexplicably sad. As if he had just made a terrible mistake.

He tried to tell himself that he was overreacting.

It was rather miraculous how Mako was able to soothe his temper and mind through her sheer presence. Raleigh figured that he should have been used to failure and pitying, judging stares by then but after their near disastrous test run his skin seemed to itch whenever he felt eyes on him. Which was pretty much always since everyone in the Shatterdome seemed to know what had happened, or at least the gist of it. 

Mako probably suffered from the same treatment but handled it with more grace, just like she had handled being grounded. The way she had fought to hold back her tears and still remain respectful and mature in front of what Raleigh now knew was essentially her adoptive father had tore at his heart. He wished he could have prevented the trial run from ending the way it had. She deserved so much better and it frustrated him to see how Marshal Pentecost was holding her back. But there was nothing Raleigh could do except apologize.

Sitting with her away from judging stares, looking up at Gipsy towering above them made him feel more at home than he had in years. With Mako he found a kind of serenity he hadn't even known he was missing.

Raleigh was beginning to trust her in a way he hadn't thought he would ever be capable of again and he could see that she understood the significance of that. She had seen his memories – what Yancy's death had caused him – and he had seen hers – how her family's fate had lead her to follow the path she was now walking along. They were both haunted by things in their past but together they might actually be able to pull through.

Raleigh was lucky to have met her.

So he was actually in a relatively good mood despite the Marshal's insistence that Gipsy – or at least Mako – was grounded for the time being. Raleigh sincerely hoped that they wouldn't try to pair him up with someone else because that would clearly become an even bigger clusterfuck considering that he had managed to throw someone as bright and promising as Mako out of alignment. The other candidates didn't stand a chance in comparison to her.

Raleigh returned to his room while Mako headed off to do whatever responsible, important things she did whenever she wasn't doubling as a Jaeger pilot. Raleigh could admit that he was a little sore from the blows Chuck had managed to land on him but it was definitely not enough to hinder him in any way. He was pretty certain that out of the two of them Chuck was the one feeling it the most.

It was chance, really, that made Raleigh's eyes land on the pile of photos and papers on his desk. He had put some of them up on the walls in a rather futile attempt to make the room a little more inhabitable and personalized but many remained in that worn, haphazard stack.

Raleigh had picked it up without really thinking about it, bringing it over to the bed and taking a seat. Sometimes he wondered what Yancy would think if he could see Raleigh now. Would he be proud, that his little brother was back fighting the good fight? Or would he feel sad that Raleigh couldn't seem to break free enough to treasure whatever chance of a life he still had left?

Raleigh suspected that it would be a complicated combination of the two.

He smiled as he shuffled through some of the photos but came to a sudden halt when he reached the three letters neatly assembled in a row. Charlie's third letter, Raleigh's unsent reply and the envelope containing the message Charlie had sent after Yancy had died. Raleigh hadn't been able to throw any of them away even if he couldn't quite say why. The last one only summoned up feelings of guilt and self-loathing – for how he had obviously failed the poor kid. But it was too late to do anything about that now.

He placed the rest of the pile on the bed beside him, staring down at the three letters. He knew there was no reason for it but he was strangely attached to the kid. He had never even met Charlie but he was one out of a handful of people that stuck around long enough in Raleigh's life to make at least a small impact, be it good or bad. He kind of regretted not making more of an effort to keep in contact with him.

Raleigh flinched when a sharp, high-pitched sound cut through the air, not realizing that it was a whistle until he heard the words following it, even if they were spoken at a distance and clearly not intended for him.

"Oi, come on, you lazy bastard! Don't just stand there."

Raleigh looked up, blinking twice when his gaze landed on the bulldog standing just outside his open door, staring right back at him. That was rather unexpected. Raleigh felt as if he was being judged by that lingering stare, never mind that dogs didn't have a very wide range of facial expressions.

"Max! For the love of-"

Max. Right. Chuck's dog.

Raleigh briefly considered closing his door despite how claustrophobically small the room felt when he did, but he didn't have time to make a decision – much less get up from his bed – before Chuck appeared beside his dog. Not that Max seemed to be wearing a leash attached to his collar at the moment so Raleigh couldn't help wondering just how Chuck was intending to make the rather compact dog move. Perhaps nudging him with the tip of his boot or something.

"Ray." Chuck didn't offer him more than a passing glance. Not that Raleigh complained. He'd rather not see Chuck at all considering what had happened during their last meeting. They both had rather telling marks on their faces to remind them.

"It's Raleigh."

"Whatever," Chuck shot back curtly. "Come on, Max. I know it's fun to stare and laugh at the has-been but we've got better things to do."

Raleigh got to his feet and tried not to grind his teeth to the extent that it would show, deciding that he could withstand the enclosed space of his room if it meant not having to look at Chuck's smug face. Raleigh was definitely not in the mood to be ridiculed and insulted by the brat he had already wiped the floor with. Quite literally, in fact.

"Why don't you try a leash?" It slipped out before Raleigh could hold it back. He honestly had nothing against Chuck's dog – he if anyone was an innocent spectator in all of this – but it was difficult not to get defensive when Chuck was so clearly trying to get under his skin.

"He's well-behaved enough that he doesn't need one – unlike some," Chuck replied, his smile showing nothing but scorn and poorly hidden resentment. "But I have a spare one you can borrow, if you'd like?"

Raleigh forced himself to smile – which probably looked more like a grimace than anything else – refusing to take the bait a second time. His hand was curled around the metal of the door but he didn't close it, not yet.

"Thanks, but I'm good."

"You let me know if you change your mind, _Rah_ leigh. I'm sure it would come in handy for you and your little girlfriend. Just some friendly advice."

It took everything Raleigh had not to punch him. He wanted to – so badly – but once was enough. Chuck was clearly acting out, throwing some kind of tantrum, and Raleigh had no intention of giving him the satisfaction of seeing Raleigh sink to his level. He wasn't even going to dignify it with a response, choosing instead to start pushing his door closed.

"What's that?"

Raleigh wasn't sure why he paused, following Chuck's gaze to the letters clutched in Raleigh's hand. Chuck was practically staring at them, his expression blank and unreadable and as strange as it might be Raleigh felt a slight twinge in his chest. He couldn't say if it was dread or something else but the look on Chuck's face was unsettling.

"Letters, Hansen," Raleigh replied, perhaps a little too sharply.

Not that Chuck seemed to notice. He looked distant – just a fraction of a second of vulnerability – before he snapped back to attention, the look of arrogant superiority slipping back onto his face.

"Well, isn't that cute. Let me guess – letters from a fan, right? From some poor, pathetic little kid wanting to be a Jaeger pilot, just like you?"

For a moment Raleigh had almost started wondering if the look on Chuck's face had been recognition – as if he had known what Raleigh was holding before he even asked – but that comment made him rethink that observation. Chuck wasn't Charlie. This if anything proved that Chuck wasn't Charlie because Chuck had too much pride to say something so demeaning about himself.

"That's none of your business," Raleigh replied tightly. Chuck was technically right but Raleigh had no intention of confirming that. It might be silly to feel so protective over a kid he had never even met or treated very well during their few instances of contact but Raleigh really didn't want to hear Chuck talk shit about Charlie.

"I guess it 'aint. But you gotta admit that it's pretty tragic. Sending you letters isn't going to help the little brats reach their dreams, is it?" There was that flare of anger again, considerably fiercer than the situation should invoke. "And it makes you look a bit creepy and pitiful for having kept them, Ray."

Raleigh didn't bother to correct him on the name, not this time.

"What's your problem, Hansen?" Raleigh asked instead, careful to keep his voice even despite the way he could feel himself tensing, just itching to lash out.

"Nothing," Chuck replied, deceptively light and not fooling anyone. The look in his eyes said the complete opposite.

"Nothing," Raleigh echoed, not able to hold back his derisive snort. "It sure as hell is something so let me give you this piece of advice, just between the two of us, okay?" Raleigh didn't wait for confirmation before he kept going, leaning forward just a little, lowering his voice until it was closer to a hiss. "No matter how hard you try being an ass and making other people feel bad will _never_ make you happy. There's no rule saying that if they're unhappy you will feel better about yourself. It doesn't work that way."

Chuck looked taken aback. His expression was still too guarded to reveal any kind of actual weakness but he obviously hadn't been expecting that. Raleigh felt an almost sick stir of satisfaction.

"Just some friendly advice," he finished with a sneering drawl before taking a step back and promptly shutting his door.

Chuck didn't try to stop him.

Raleigh stood there, staring at the rusty door without even seeing it, his heart pushing against his ribcage. He couldn't quite tell if it was just anger or something else as well. After a couple of seconds he sighed, his head tipping forward until it was resting against the cold metal surface.

He was exhausted.

He didn't have the energy to keep butting heads with Chuck every step of the way, not when they were so close to Operation Pitfall and all that implied. Even Chuck should know better.

What the hell was the brat's problem?

Raleigh knew right away when the alarm started blaring that he and Mako weren't going to be allowed to be a part of the upcoming battle. They were still grounded and there were three other Jaegers to handle the two Kaiju, even if they were the biggest category four they had seen up until that point. Three should have been enough. 

But it wasn't.

Raleigh could feel Mako thrumming with the same kind of frustrated helplessness as he was when they watched Crimson Typhoon get taken down, and even if Striker clearly decided to ignore their orders they were too late to save Cherno Alpha. Their ranks were diminishing so rapidly that even Marshal Pentecost seemed to be losing his calm.

Mako's concern and anxiousness was so tangible that Raleigh could practically taste it. She wanted to do something. It was maddening to just stand there when they could be helping their fellow Rangers. Striker Eureka was suddenly out there alone against the Kaiju that had taken down two Jaegers already and as much as Raleigh knew that both Hansens were good pilots the odds were clearly against them.

The pulse knocking out the electrical circuits caused a momentary blip in Raleigh's heart rate. He wasn't sure if it was actually physical or just his surprise manifesting itself more noticeably but for a second he could have sworn his heart stopped beating.

It took him a second before he realized what Tendo was saying and just exactly what it meant.

Striker was cut off from LOCCENT and left completely defenseless. They couldn't get the Jaeger back online. There was nothing they could do.

Except there was.

Raleigh shared a look with Mako, saw the determined urgency in her eyes, not quite certain who actually came to the conclusion first. They might have done it simultaneously. Raleigh didn't wait to confirm it with her – he knew that she was already thinking the same thing.

"Not all of them, Marshal," Raleigh cut in after Tendo's stumbling exclamation that all of the Jaegers were digital and therefore useless. When Raleigh stepped up Mako was right there with him, at his side. "Gipsy's analog. Nuclear."

The Marshal didn't look happy – probably because it was still not even a full day since Raleigh and Mako's failed trial run – but he didn't have much choice, not unless they wanted to lose Striker Eureka along with Crimson and Cherno.

Raleigh waited with honestly admiral patience considering the circumstances, meeting Pentecost's gaze without hesitation. What other option did they have?

The nod was so slight that Raleigh barely even caught it.

"Go."

Raleigh lingered only long enough to share a quick glance with Mako before they both turned to leave the control room, ready to get suited up.

No matter how proud they were over what they had accomplished both Raleigh and Mako knew that they wouldn't get much time to breathe after taking down Otachi and Leatherback. Even less to grieve the loss of their five fellow pilots. 

Only two Jaegers remained and they wouldn't be able to withstand another attack. As soon as Striker and Gipsy were up and running again they would have to launch Operation Pitfall, before more Kaiju could come through the Breach.

They were running out of time.

Raleigh actually had to pause when the severity of the situation finally caught up with him. It wasn't that he hadn't known that it would be a dangerous mission or that he regretted his decision to take part in it, but it was a little daunting that the moment was finally upon them. It was suddenly real and unavoidable. This was where they might very well manage to end the war – or die trying.

It wasn't easy to shoulder that responsibility. Raleigh had enough self-doubt and lingering guilt over having abandoned his post five years ago that he still wasn't sure if he had the right to be there, but he refused to back down now. For Mako, if nothing else, for the faith and devotion she had shown him and the trust she had in him, even after having seen every single one of his darkest secrets.

Raleigh couldn't say that he was afraid or even nervous, but that was mostly because what he felt was closer to some kind of detached serenity. It was almost comforting, in a way, to know that they were at the end of the line. The war had been going on for over ten years by then, the panic, hopelessness and helplessness building slowly but surely as they lost more and more lives to these monsters. But it might very well end today. It was the resistances last stand and as important as the mission was Raleigh already felt a certain amount of relief, just from the knowledge that they had reached this point. It was all or nothing.

And he was definitely ready to see it through to the end.

He still understood if it was hard for Mako once all the repairs were done, the orders had been delivered and it became clear that their last stand was also to be Marshal Pentecost's final act in life. The pinch of heartbreaking grief Raleigh felt was undoubtedly Mako's. Raleigh respected the man even if he didn't always trust him and would definitely mourn the loss, but she would lose her father. Even so she proved her strength by accepting Pentecost's decision, painful as it might be.

Raleigh wished he could have spared her the pain but with Herc Hansen out of commission they didn't have many options.

It was when Raleigh was on his way to Gipsy's Conn-Pod – having left Mako to share a couple of precious last minutes with the Marshal – that he heard his name being called.

"Oi! Ray-... Raleigh!"

Dealing with Chuck was one of the last things Raleigh wanted but despite the fumble Chuck had made an obvious effort to actually pronounce Raleigh's name correctly for once. Raleigh was gracious enough to stop and turn to face him for that slight show of decency.

Chuck was standing further down the corridor in his Drivesuit, helmet in hand, probably on his way to Striker.

"What do you want, Hansen?" Raleigh asked, not hiding the exasperation in his voice.

Chuck's expression seemed to shutter down and close. Raleigh hadn't even been aware of how open and sincere it had been until it wasn't anymore. He almost braced himself for the anger he knew had to be coming – Chuck always did fight fire with fire – but to Raleigh's immense surprise Chuck just shook his head, the look on his face surprisingly sober. Cautious almost, but still calm.

"Never mind."

It felt like something pulled at the very centre of Raleigh's chest when Chuck turned to leave in the other direction and before he knew it he had taken a step forward.

"No, wait." Raleigh didn't reach out but it occurred to him that Chuck apparently was, in his own way. First that small nod after Raleigh and Mako had saved his life and now this? Chuck clearly had something on his mind. "What did you want, Chuck?"

Chuck paused, his expression a complicated mix of emotions that Raleigh couldn't even begin to categorize. When Chuck looked up and their eyes met it was more obvious than ever than there was something on the very tip of Chuck's tongue – something he wanted to say.

He even got as far as to open his mouth but doubt seemed to grab him the next second, making him hesitate. Raleigh was standing several feet away but could still see the indecisiveness flicker across Chuck's face.

The moment felt almost surreal. Like they were balancing in front of some great reveal that caused the kind of tension that made everything else slow down to a halt.

It was undeniably anticlimactic when it finally came to the actual tipping-point.

"I just wanted to wish you guys good luck. You and Mako."

It sounded sincere – especially for being Chuck – but there was something terribly off about it too. It took a moment for Raleigh to realize that it wasn't what Chuck had intended to say. He had changed his mind. Whatever it was that had made him search Raleigh out in that crucial moment – perhaps one of their last – was obviously not something Chuck was willing to share after all.

As frustrating as that was Raleigh decided to let it slide. It wasn't any of his business.

"Good luck to you too," Raleigh replied with a nod.

There was a small, aching smile on Chuck's lips that was so utterly misplaced that he didn't even look like himself anymore. For the first time since Raleigh met him Chuck actually looked his age.

"Don't die out there, okay?" Chuck urged, his smile widening but containing so little joy that he probably shouldn't have bothered.

Where was the sudden camaraderie coming from? Chuck had hated Raleigh's guts up until now but there he was, not only polite but actually rather considerate even. It was enough to throw Raleigh's head for a spin.

"I'll try not to," he promised.

Chuck merely offered a quick nod before turning on his heel, obviously intending to leave. Raleigh realized with a sudden jolt that Chuck didn't expect him to extend the same kind of concern for Chuck's safe return.

Raleigh felt so taken aback that Chuck had time to take several steps away from him before Raleigh managed to talk around the tightness in his throat. Chuck thought that Raleigh didn't care whether he lived or died? As much as they had argued Raleigh would have to be a lot nastier to ever wish someone dead.

"That goes for you as well." Raleigh was somehow not surprised to see Chuck freeze. The glance he threw over his shoulder was doubtful but Raleigh managed to catch a frail flash of hope and curiosity as well. "Try not to die."

Chuck seemed to hold his breath for a second before he slowly exhaled, nodding softly in agreement. His smile made his cheek's dimple and as Raleigh stood there, watching Chuck walk away, he had the strangest feeling that he was missing something.

He didn't even like Chuck – he had no reason to considering how the obnoxious jerk had treated him – but somehow he still felt like he had made some kind of mistake. It was obviously a reoccurring thing with Chuck and it just made no sense.

Except, maybe it would, if Raleigh had been willing to look a little deeper.

But he didn't have time for that, at least not until after Operation Pitfall.

He could talk to Chuck when they returned.

Raleigh always experienced a certain kind of freedom while engaged in battle. No matter what he might be feeling or whatever worries he had it was like his entire focus narrowed down to the situation at hand and what was required of him in order to win. There was no room for doubts or hesitation. Raleigh did what he had to do, especially when there was so much at stake. 

Mako was a reliable, secure presence at his side and inside his head. She shared his determination, her mind razor sharp and intuitive, and no matter what they faced she stood firm.

He couldn't have hoped for a better co-pilot.

As the events of Pitfall unfolded Raleigh was operating almost solely on instinct. There wasn't much else he could do when every second counted and their survival relied on how quickly they could adapt and react to the changing situation.

He couldn't say that he was happy though when the order came that Gipsy should head for the Breach instead of Striker. It went against Raleigh's instincts not to fight tooth and nail to make sure everyone come out of this alive. But it was what needed to be done.

So whatever doubts Raleigh might have had and no matter what his mind was screaming at him he tucked all of that away, where it wouldn't deter him or Mako from their mission. It was their responsibility now. They could end it.

They were going to end it.

Raleigh tried not to let himself feel just how much the blast from the detonating nuclear bomb rattled him, both physically and emotionally. He tried not to think of how two people had just blinked out of existence, with no bodies left to bury and only memories to confirm that they were even there.

He didn't let himself acknowledge that he would never get to talk to Chuck again after all.

Falling was surprisingly easy after that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I should have called this story 'Boys Making Terrible Life Decisions' instead. Because that's essentially what it is at this point.
> 
> One of my favourite parts to write in this chapter was Chuck and Raleigh's fight after the failed test run. I'm not sure why but I really enjoyed describing it and the emotions involved. Also, yes, next chapter will hurt but I promise you that if you stick with me it will be worth it. I know what I'm doing. Well, kinda.
> 
> [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum) is my lovely, faithful beta — give her some love!


	3. Revelations

 

* * *

 

It took two days after Operation Pitfall before it actually hit home.

Chuck was dead.

Not that Raleigh had any real reason to mourn him as anything but a fellow Ranger but it was somehow difficult to grasp – a lot harder than Marshal Pentecost's passing. But that might have been because Raleigh could sense Mako's grief to the point that it was almost his own. When it came to Chuck it was a lot more difficult to know what to feel.

Raleigh wasn't distraught exactly but just like that moment before Chuck left for Striker – the last time Raleigh actually saw his face and didn't just hear his voice over the comms – he felt like he was missing something. It was a cold, hollow sensation somewhere in his gut that just wouldn't leave.

And he hadn't even liked the guy.

It felt like he should be able to round one of the corners in the Shatterdome and see Chuck further down the corridor. Raleigh just couldn't wrap his head around it. He couldn't accept that there was an empty space where Chuck used to be. Chuck might have been an asshole but there was something incredibly genuine about him still, like he was obviously meant to be there – as if he was too tangible and solid to just disappear without a trace. All of that intensity couldn't just cease to be, could it?

But it had. There was nothing left of him. Chuck was gone.

It wasn't like Yancy – it didn't hurt nearly as much as Yancy's death had – but it was almost harder to accept. Chuck shouldn't have died. No matter how Raleigh tried to twist and turn it he found that he didn't want to accept it. Perhaps because Chuck had been so young – too young, by anyone's standards –, or perhaps it was because of the heart-wrenching chill in Raleigh's chest. But it could also be that he just didn't want him to be dead, plain and simple.

Raleigh knew that there had been something Chuck had wanted to say before they left for Operation Pitfall and it frustrated him that he would never get to know what it was.

It was both surprising and not very surprising at all the moment Raleigh realized that he actually missed him.

He missed Chuck.

But it was obviously already too late.

As much as Raleigh was glad that the Breach was closed and that he and Mako had survived the moment that high evened out he just felt exhausted. It was like all the tension in his body was suddenly released and it left him feeling drained and disoriented.

Raleigh knew that Mako felt the same but she had the added weight of losing her father. So Raleigh tried his best to be there for her – even if it sometimes meant leaving her alone with her grief – but in the long run there wasn't much he could do. Just like she couldn't do much for the emptiness Raleigh felt. It was just something they both had to live with.

Since Raleigh didn't have any actual duties now that all of the Jaegers were gone he turned his attention towards helping the people in the Shatterdome. The Russian Jaeger team was packing up their things and always needed an extra hand, or there would be some simple welding he could do for one of the J-techs or just help carrying things from one side of the hangar to the other.

Raleigh was desperate for things to do since it made him less prone to think of the things he didn't want to linger on. Things he didn't want to acknowledge or handle.

But it wasn't like he could run away this time. He didn't want to leave Mako and he was obviously considered to be some kind of hero whether he wanted it or not, which obviously included a responsibility to smile in front of hundreds of cameras. Raleigh hadn't forgotten what it was like to be a pilot during the glory days but unlike then he really didn't appreciate it now. He loathed it. He didn't want to spend hours a day talking to reporters, dragging up painful memories for their entertainment.

Luckily enough Herc – who had understandably been promoted to Marshal – made sure to limit their exposure to the reporters as well as he could. A part of that might probably be because Herc himself seemed uninterested in dealing with anything not strictly related to work, and keeping the politicians and mass media happy didn't seem to be included in that. Raleigh couldn't exactly blame the man though. No one had unlimited patience when you had just lost your son.

If Raleigh was to be honest he had been avoiding Herc. Partly because Raleigh was fairly certain that Herc was the kind of man who wished to grieve in silence and solitude but also because he didn't know what to say or how to help. Offering condolences seemed insufficient and Raleigh hadn't exactly been on good terms with Chuck to begin with. It would seem insincere and misplaced if he suddenly blurted out that he, despite everything – and quite irrationally, he might add –, actually missed Chuck too.

Mako never asked about it even if she seemed to be able to sense that Raleigh was a bit more affected by the whole thing than either of them had expected. She just accepted it, like everything else about Raleigh, and offered company and support as often as she could.

Raleigh could almost pretend that he was content as long as he kept himself busy. The war was over, peace had returned and people could finally look to the future.

But there were so many gaping holes out there.

Chuck. Pentecost. The Kaidanovskys. The Wei Triplets. Mako's family.

Yancy.

It was difficult to think of the future when there was still so much that reminded them of the past and what they had lost. Raleigh hated those empty spaces left by people who should have been there – loved ones who had died too soon.

It blossomed the brightest the day that Raleigh looked up from the heavy crates he was carrying and saw Max across the wide expanse of the Jaeger hangar, about five days after Pitfall.

The Hong Kong Shatterdome was getting ready to be dismantled by then, having outlived its use now that the Breach was closed. Herc oversaw the plans and progress while Mako was responsible for the actual execution of the new Marshal's orders. Raleigh helped with the grunt work. All three of them seemed to find that immersing themselves in work made the whole thing a lot easier to handle.

Max, on the other hand, seemed completely unaware of what was going on around him, intently focused on whatever trail he was following, nose pressed against the floor. Raleigh couldn't help pausing, tracking the dog's movements from a distance. Max went back and forth, weaving around obstacles and people's legs, clearly looking for something.

Raleigh glanced around, expecting to see Herc somewhere close by. Ever since Operation Pitfall Max had been a constant at his side, which was something Raleigh tried not to read too much into. It wouldn't make him feel any better.

But Herc definitely wasn't there now.

It was when Max reached the area that had been reserved for Striker Eureka and started looking around almost quizzically that Raleigh realized that Herc wasn't the Hansen Max was trying to find.

Max was looking for Chuck.

It was amazing that a thought that simple could amount to such an intense burst of intricate agony.

Raleigh took a second to breathe – just one smooth inhale followed by a forcibly stable exhale – before he went over to where Max was snuffling around. The dog took no notice of him until he was just a couple of feet away, clearly too immersed in his search.

"Hey, Max. Do you remember me?" Raleigh crouched down, hesitating for a moment before holding out his hand. He hadn't really had the time to take much note of Chuck's dog the few times he had seen him and he wasn't entirely sure whether that was mutual or not.

Max seemed trusting enough however, waddling over after a quick glance towards the wide, empty space where Striker had once stood, towering above them all. Max bumped his head against Raleigh's hand after a cursory inspection and quick whiff and Raleigh figured that it was some kind of standard operating procedure when it came to canine introduction rituals to demand ear rubs seconds after your initial meeting.

Raleigh decided to comply, scratching Max's ear.

"Should you be out here on your own?" There was no leash on his collar and Raleigh doubted that Herc would have just let Max wander off without supervision. "We should probably get you back to Herc, okay?"

Max just looked at him as if he couldn't understand a word Raleigh was saying, his expression bored and perhaps even a little judgmental. Or maybe that was just how Max's face looked like all the time.

Raleigh straightened and backed up a step.

"Come on, boy. I'm sure he misses you."

To Raleigh's surprise Max followed without question. He was either almost unsettlingly trusting – the complete opposite to Chuck's obstinate need to push everyone away – or as well-trained as Chuck had boasted about. Raleigh was honestly leaning towards the latter considering how Max was lumbering faithfully beside him, not quite in step but never veering off course either.

It wasn't difficult to find Herc considering that the man seemed to be living in his newly acquired office. Raleigh wished that could have been a figure of speech in this case but it really wasn't. Herc had refused to take over Pentecost's old office, instead clearing out another room he felt would suit his needs, and ever since he got settled he was more or less always there, unless he was called off on some other kind of business. No one seemed to know if their new Marshal actually ate or slept.

Raleigh knocked and waited for the muted go-ahead before opening the door and stepping inside Herc's office, Max trailing behind him. When Herc looked up his eyes lingered on Raleigh for a second before snapping down to Max, who trotted up to the desk and then behind it, disappearing from Raleigh's view. Raleigh wasn't sure if he was expected to say something, especially not when he heard the weary, disappointed sigh Max let out, probably before slumping down by Herc's feet.

Herc closed his eyes for a second before meeting Raleigh's gaze, clearing his throat.

"Thanks for bringing him back."

The lack of surprise told Raleigh that this was apparently not the first time Max had wandered off.

"No problem. I just figured that you might be looking for him."

Herc's smile wasn't quite what Raleigh would usually identify a smile but considering the circumstances it was probably the best the man could manage. He looked so tired and worn, like he was just going through the motions rather than actually feeling engaged in what he did.

And Raleigh was pretty certain that the cup Herc took a sip from contained more than just coffee.

"He usually comes back on his own," Herc informed, his voice dull and resigned. "I reckon it's better to just let him do his walkabouts rather than lock him in somewhere."

In all honesty Raleigh suspected that Herc just didn't have the heart to listen to Max's forlorn whines. But, once again, Raleigh had no intention of blaming the man for that.

Raleigh cleared his throat and scratched his neck.

"How are you holding up?"

Judging on the stare Herc leveled him with the question had sounded just as flat and awkward as it had felt when Raleigh delivered it. But it wasn't lacking in sincerity, Raleigh just didn't know how to approach the subject.

He took a deep breath before smiling weakly.

"Okay, stupid question, I know." Raleigh held Herc's gaze, deciding that honesty was probably the way to go. If nothing else because Raleigh wasn't good at being subtle. "I'll just come out and say it then. Should I be worried? I mean, more than expected?"

Herc's initial reaction seemed to be indignation, followed by what would be anger, but he obviously changed his mind again, just as quickly. So instead of barking out some harsh rebuke Herc sighed and rubbed a hand over his eyes.

"No." A moment's pause. "Yes, maybe."

Raleigh took the liberty of sitting down on the chair facing Herc's desk. He might have been avoiding this because he had no idea how to handle it but it was obvious that neither did Herc. If anything he was probably well on his way towards derailing completely.

Herc seemed a little amused.

"Is this an intervention?"

Raleigh smiled.

"No, sir, I'm definitely not qualified to determine whether you need that or not. I'll leave that for the professionals. We're all scheduled for psych evals next week, right?"

Herc nodded before leaning back in his chair, running a hand through his hair. Raleigh hesitated before picking up again.

"But I can listen."

Raleigh half expected Herc to tell him that there was nothing to say – neither of the Hansens had ever seemed particularly talkative – but the slight shake of Herc's head didn't seem to be a dismissal.

"I guess it's just guilt, mostly," Herc said after a couple of seconds. "For how things ended up. The things I did when he grew up." He smiled a tired, weary smile. "Or didn't do."

Raleigh wasn't incredibly well versed in how Chuck had grown up – what little he knew came from Mako's memories, since she had apparently met him a couple of times when they were younger – but he had understood that it was the reason for a lot of the animosity between the two Hansens.

Herc didn't seem to assume that Raleigh knew, offering a tight, self-depreciating smile before explaining.

"His mother died in 2014 when Scissure attacked Sydney. He never quite forgave me for not saving her or for dragging him along when I joined the PPDC. He got caught up in this war at such a young age and never really knew anything else." Herc snorted. "Not that that really justifies the fact that he grew up to become such a bastard, but still."

The amount of fondness in those words was almost startling.

"I kept trying to justify it inside my head. I told myself that I was doing it for him, and for Angela – to avenge her death. But in the end I think I might just have been running away from my responsibility as a father. It was easier being a soldier than it was to care for an angry kid who just lost his mother."

Raleigh didn't know what to answer but it turned out that he didn't have to. Herc kept going on his own after a heavy, trembling sigh.

"And I guess I should have seen this coming. I raised him to be a pilot. I practically hand-delivered him to Stacker, a fully capable Ranger – top of his class – willing to die for the cause because he never knew anything else." Herc was staring off into the distance. "I shouldn't be surprised that he died a pilot as well, not when I gave him so very little choice on what to do with his life."

Raleigh felt that he had to say something. He had a hard time believing that this whole mess was as one-sided as Herc made this seem. Guilt always made you shoulder more responsibility than you actually should.

"I'm pretty sure Chuck could make his own decisions."

Herc chuckled but there was no humor in it, only self-loathing.

"Then you didn't know him very well. Most of the things he did were to get a rise out of me. He became a Ranger because he wanted to be better than me and everything I had done up until that point had only served to shape him into one." Herc's voice was hard and angry but it was obviously directed at himself. "I raised my son to become a soldier. What kind of father does that?"

Raleigh met Herc's eyes, despite the clench of helplessness he felt. It really wasn't any of his business but if Herc was willing to share then Raleigh wasn't going to be disrespectful and inconsiderate by not responding.

"A father with very little choice," Raleigh replied, even if he knew that it wouldn't make things better. Nothing would, not to Herc. He had already lost his son and there was no changing that.

Herc closed his eyes, rubbing a hand over his face before sighing again.

"I just-... he was sixteen, for Christ's sake. Even Mako waited until she was eighteen before enlisting, but not Chuck. He would probably have done it at fourteen if they had allowed it."

Raleigh felt a sudden jolt, a sense of dread spreading inside his ribcage.

"Sixteen?" He barely managed to keep his voice stable.

Herc nodded.

"Yeah, youngest ever to enlist. He was so proud." Something painful passed over Herc's eyes, making his gaze seem distant – barely even there. "I was too... but I don't think I ever told him."

If Chuck had been that young when he signed up for the Academy he must have done so much earlier than Raleigh thought. Before Yancy died and Raleigh left. Right about the time that Charlie had.

Raleigh hadn't thought much about Charlie the past couple of days, overshadowed by the complicated sense of loss he felt after Chuck had died. But it all rushed to the surface now, partnered with a bone-chilling tightness in his chest.

It couldn't be. Please, anything but that.

"He used to write to you. Did you know that?"

Raleigh stared at Herc, suddenly unable to breathe.

"Well, a couple of times," Herc amended, obviously not seeing the panic Raleigh knew was rising in his eyes. "Chuck tried to keep it a secret of course but he was never really subtle as a kid. Or when he grew older for that matter. He admired you – you and your brother both. Kept pointing out how Gipsy Danger was so much cooler than Lucky Seven."

No.

Not that. Raleigh wasn't sure if he would be able to handle that. He had no idea how to possibly process that piece of information.

But deep down a part of him probably already knew. As much as he had tried to convince himself that Chuck wasn't Charlie that had mostly been wishful thinking. There were too many coincidences. Too many things that matched up.

Raleigh was apparently alarmingly accomplished at living in denial.

Something unmistakably like grief was slowly building inside him, his throat tightening even as he tried to breathe around it. The sense of loss – the hollow space in his chest – seemed to grow and fester, as if it was finally allowed free reign. As if Raleigh had finally admitted what he might have known all along but didn't want to face.

Chuck was Charlie. The sincere, devoted kid who wanted to become a Jaeger pilot, so desperate for approval and attention. Charlie, who was so alone that the closest thing to a friend he had was some asshole who didn't even reply to his letters. It hadn't been Raleigh's responsibility, he knew that, but it didn't make him feel any better.

All of a sudden Raleigh had to come to terms with the fact that the kid whose letter he still had, tucked away safely in his room, was dead. Gone. Just like that. All that determination and promise – the surprising kindness and innocence he had shown in his letters – was gone. Although it was obvious that some of it, the loss of innocence in particular, had been gradual. Where Charlie had been hopeful and enthusiastic Chuck was cold and cynical. Chuck had grown into a bitter, arrogant young man who used his anger to push other people away.

Or perhaps to hide whatever it was that he had desperately been trying to keep inside.

Raleigh sucked in a breath.

"I'm-... I'm so sorry, sir. I didn't know." Raleigh had no idea what to say, running a suddenly shaking hand through his hair, but he knew he had to say something. "Fuck. I mean, I read the letters but I didn't know that Chuck is-... was that Charlie."

Herc gave him a long, even look but there was no anger there. If anything he just looked tired. Defeated. Like not very much mattered now anyway.

"Well, he stopped using Charlie when he was around fifteen. It was what Angela used to call him," Herc said, his voice a little brittle. "He never spoke about her if he could help it. Didn't like to be reminded of her death, I reckon."

But he had. He had written about his mom after Yancy had died. Chuck had shared that piece of himself to what was essentially a stranger, in hopes that it would somehow make Raleigh feel better. _Chuck_ had done that.

No wonder he had been so mad at Raleigh. It must have felt like a personal betrayal when Raleigh left the PPDC. Chuck had just been a sixteen year old kid who had offered compassion and concern – left himself vulnerable – and Raleigh had let him down. Chuck had tried so hard to be Raleigh's friend but had gotten nothing but silence and disappointment in return. People could get trust issues for less.

Sorry wasn't going to cut it.

Raleigh didn't know what to do. He suddenly felt as exhausted as Herc looked. There were so many things that made so much more sense all of a sudden. The way Chuck hated him on sight, the way his anger seemed too deeply rooted to be just wounded pride, and how he, when faced with the letters he himself had written, had lashed out and called them pathetic. Because to Chuck they were. They were proof of his vulnerability – reminders of what happened when he tried to reach out and make friends.

Raleigh couldn't possibly have known that it would come to that. He couldn't possibly have foreseen the kind of impact his choices would have on someone else's life, but that didn't make him feel any better. It didn't change anything.

"Don't beat yourself up."

Raleigh looked up at the sound of Herc's words, eyes widening slightly when Herc pulled out a liquor bottle of some kind from a drawer in his desk. Raleigh wasn't surprised exactly – not when it came to the bottle's existence as least – but he did hesitate before accepting the spare mug Herc produced from somewhere in that same drawer.

"I know what it was like back then. His letters probably got lost amongst all the rest, right?" Herc asked as he poured a rather generous helping into Raleigh's mug before topping off his own.

Raleigh cleared his throat.

"Kinda, yeah."

"And Chuck was a tricky kid. You had no responsibility to look after him just because he chose to latch on to you."

Raleigh took a cautious sip from his mug. It was better than he had hoped – scotch by the taste of it – but was also a fair share stronger than probably recommended, at least considering how much Herc obviously expected him to drink.

Then again, Raleigh would probably need it before this conversation was over.

"I still have two of his letters," Raleigh blurted out before he could stop himself.

Herc paused, coffee cup halfway to his lips.

"Yeah?"

Raleigh nodded.

"From after he enlisted at the Jaeger Academy and one-... he wrote me after Yancy died. But I didn't read it until after I had already left Anchorage."

That resulted in a hoarse chuckle from Herc.

"You have no idea how pissed he was when he got the news."

"I can imagine." Raleigh stared at Herc's desk for a second, both of them lost in thought. When he looked up Herc had a heartbreakingly distant look on his face, as if he was desperately trying to reach back to that time, no matter how tumultuous it must have been. "But he was pretty devastated too, wasn't he?"

Herc's gaze snapped up to meet Raleigh's. He offered a conceding nod.

"Yeah, he was. He tried to hide it but-" Herc shrugged a little helplessly "-didn't take a genius to see it."

"That's why I'm beating myself up. I know I probably couldn't have changed much – I wouldn't have stayed even if I had read his letter before leaving – but I wish I could have been nicer." Raleigh frowned, running one hand through his hair, the other holding his mug. "At least replied or tried to explain myself. Given him _something_." Raleigh swallowed. "Because it's all too late now."

"Yeah, can't argue with that," Herc replied, searching and holding Raleigh's gaze. "Look, Raleigh, I don't blame you. Chuck might have but he was... well, we both know what he was like. What's done is done. We can't change that."

Despite the firmness in his words it didn't quite sound like Herc believed that himself. Raleigh took a swallow of scotch, feeling it burn all the way down his throat.

"We adapt and overcome." Herc shook his head softly. "That's all there is to it. We just have to accept what happens and somehow find a way to live with it, no matter how heavy the burden might be." His smile was wry. "And who knows? One day we might actually manage."

Raleigh's responding smile was crooked and sad, but Herc had a point. There was nothing to do about it. Chuck was already gone. There wasn't even enough left of him to bury. It didn't matter if Raleigh felt guilty or not – it wouldn't make a difference. The person who deserved to see it the most wasn't there anyway.

Raleigh cleared his throat after taking another sip, allowing himself to relax for perhaps the first time since Operation Pitfall. He looked up at Herc.

"He really was a bit of an ass though."

Herc snorted on a laugh and despite the grief in his eyes and the tired lines on his face he looked a little lighter, at least for a brief, blissful second.

"Yeah, he definitely was."

The clench in Raleigh's chest eased somewhat, making his next breath easier.

It wasn't much but maybe, at least for now, it would have to do.

_Hi Chuck,_

_Okay, I know how bad this looks. I know it doesn't make sense since you will never be able to read this anyway but I think it's worth a try._

_I'm having a hard time accepting all of this. I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that you never told me who you were. That was what you were trying to say just before we left, wasn't it? You were going to tell me that you wrote those letters. That you were Charlie all along._

_Why didn't you?_

_I keep going over and over it in my mind and I can't figure it out. Did you think I would be angry? Disappointed? Or were you ashamed somehow? Did you really think you were pathetic for having written me those?_

_I wish I knew why, if only to be able to tell you how wrong you were. You could have told me. I wanted to know. I had already started suspecting it but wouldn't let myself believe it because you acted like you didn't know me. Which I can't blame you for, by the way. I know I let you down. It wasn't my responsibility but I still let you down. You had every right to be angry._

_But I think it's pretty obvious that you didn't need me anyway._

_I would much rather have had this conversation face to face and not just write it down in a letter you will never get to see, but I will have to make do. I want you to know that whenever I think back on your letters the thing that really stands out to me is that you did it. Despite everything you did it, Charlie. You became a pilot._

_If I had the right to I would say that I'm proud of you but I don't think that I've earned that. It's all on you – you did it all on your own. You became a great pilot, if not the best then at least the record holder in Kaiju kills. Either way you did amazingly well._

_I think it got to your head – because, let's face it, you were pretty arrogant about it – but I can't deny that you were a good pilot. And deep down you might also have been a good person. Either way I'm pretty disappointed for not having got the chance to get to know you for real._

_I know it's too late and I know that we're so different that it would probably never have worked out anyway, but yeah, perhaps we should have tried that whole friendship thing. Perhaps I should have been a little more forthcoming. I can't help wondering what might have been different if I had been. Back then, when you wrote to me, you definitely deserved the chance but I didn't give it to you. And for that I'm sorry._

_But I guess it's always easier to be wiser in hindsight._

_I'm not entirely sure what I'm even trying to say anymore. A part of me just feels that it's unfair, not because of how I feel but because you really deserved better than this. All of this. As annoying as you were no one deserves to die this young._

_I still have a hard time grasping how someone can just cease to be like that. It happened with Yancy too – they never found his body – and I really hate having to go through it again, only this time there really isn't anything left. The blast burned it all away._

_I don't like that thought. I don't like how both you and Yancy just seemed to disappear. One moment you're there and the other you're not. How is that fair?_

_And how come I'm so hung up on this, you ask?_

_Well, I don't really know myself. I just keep feeling like I've lost something much more important than I first thought – like you might actually have been a friend already, despite neither of us knowing or acknowledging it. I think I'm in mourning, Chuck, for all the things we didn't get to have. For the fact that you felt that you had to be harsh and angry to save yourself the possible pain of having me disappoint you again. For the fact that it's my fault that you felt that way._

_I'm sorry, Chuck. I truly am._

_I wish things could have been different. I wish I hadn't lost your address and could have sent you my congratulations when you enlisted at the Academy. I wish you could have known that you had my support and that I really hoped for you to reach your dreams and become a pilot._

_But I also wish you hadn't died._

_I wish I had had the time to get to know you, the person behind all that rage – the one I saw when you wished me and Mako good luck and urged me not to die. That guy, right there? I would have liked to know him._

_But I guess I'll never have that. It's all too late. But I'm still glad for what little of you I did know. I'm glad you wrote to me and no matter how much we fought and disagreed with each other I'm still glad to have been fighting with you._

_How about that, huh?_

_I guess we did get to fight the Kaiju together after all, and it was one hell of a battle._

_I just wish it hadn't also been your last._

_Always on your side,  
Raleigh_

Raleigh stared down at the sealed envelope in his hands. It was just a plain white rectangle and five simple letters, spelling out Chuck's name in Raleigh's handwriting. Despite the fact that it would never reach the person it was intended for it was better than nothing as far as closure went. Raleigh's heart didn't feel lighter per se, not when all the emotions were still fresh in his mind, but he knew that it would help to have put them into words.

He still felt stupid and strangely guilty for not having figured out that Chuck was Charlie. It had been rather obvious, all things considered, especially since Chuck had been just a couple of words away from revealing it to him. Raleigh should have understood it then – seen it in Chuck's hesitation and the sudden concern he had offered.

Raleigh should have known.

Never mind that Chuck had done his outmost to hide who he was behind arrogance and anger. Raleigh couldn't exactly blame him for trying, not considering what had happened between them. Chuck had probably thought that Raleigh wouldn't care even if he found out that Chuck was the one who had written those letters. He might have thought that they meant nothing to Raleigh.

Chuck's assumption that the letters Raleigh had were from a fan could have been a lucky guess – assumptions born out of vulnerability. As if lashing out would hide just how angry he felt about having been one of those fans when he was younger. Chuck might not even have known that they were _his_ letters, not unless he had caught a glimpse of the actual writing. Raleigh couldn't say if he had or not but either way Chuck had no idea that out of the hundreds of letters Raleigh had received over the years Chuck's were the ones he had kept. _Only_ Chuck's.

Raleigh's chest constricted at the thought that Chuck would never know. It was undeniably too late but Raleigh liked to believe that pretty much everyone – Chuck in particular – could benefit from knowing that they weren't easily forgotten. That they made an impact.

Charlie definitely had. Chuck too.

Raleigh had a feeling that it might have been worth it to get to know Chuck better.

He couldn't help wondering what Chuck would have thought about it – if he would have been willing to forgive Raleigh's lack of response and his unintentional betrayal. Raleigh wondered what talking to Chuck would have been like without all the anger and excess baggage, to actually hear him speak about things he liked or something not related to the war.

Raleigh would have liked to get to know him, not as a fellow Ranger or solider, but as a person. Being a Ranger had clearly been a fundamental part of Chuck's self-image but Raleigh wasn't as influenced by that. He was more interested in the person underneath. Charlie's determination and sincerity seemed to have morphed into Chuck's particular brand of fierce stubbornness as he grew older, but it had definitely still been there.

Chuck had still held a certain kind of brilliance, even if the innocence had left him.

And that was the person Raleigh would have liked to know better. Not Ranger Hansen or even young, naïve Charlie, but _Chuck_. The man he had become. As simplistic as Chuck had seemed at first glance Raleigh didn't doubt that all of those imperfections and stereotypical facets hid a rather complex personality underneath.

Who was Chuck really?

His fears, hopes and dreams, all of those things – some big, some small, others deceptively trivial – that had been specific to him and no one else. Raleigh would never get to see Chuck for who he really was, with every aspect of his being taken into account. Raleigh would never know Chuck, not for real.

Raleigh had seen the bragging Ranger and the defensive, snarling brat but there had been so much more. Flashes of gentleness, contradictory glimpses of genuine goodness and heartbreaking vulnerability. But he would never get to see all those traits in the intricate, unique consternation that was Chuck Hansen. It was already too late.

Chuck wasn't the kind of guy Raleigh would usually bother to socialize with on accounts of him being a huge dick, but there had undoubtedly been something with him that Raleigh couldn't seem to ignore. Some kind of pull.

One he had felt long before he actually found out for sure that Chuck was Charlie.

Every interaction between the two of them had been explosive in a way that Raleigh wasn't used to. The taste of Chuck's raw, untethered intensity was so different from the dull indifference Raleigh had forcibly surrounded himself with after Yancy's death. The stir of emotions – often anger and frustration – had been more real than most things Raleigh had experienced in the past five years. The curling sensations had been relentless – visceral, crude and sharp – and in so many ways achingly unforgettable.

Much like Chuck himself.

Raleigh hated the fact that he'd never feel that again. It left an aching hollowness in his chest – a longing for something he hadn't even known he wanted. He couldn't say for sure what it was but he hated it. He hated that he had let it pass him by.

Raleigh jumped at the sudden knock on his door, his fingers clenching reflexively around the envelope in his hands. He had been so far off in thought that it took him a moment to snap back to attention.

Once he had he got to his feet, slipping the letter into his back pocket while taking the depressingly few steps from his bed to his door. He didn't even have time to reach it before the knock sounded again, urgent and insistent.

Raleigh frowned and pulled the door open, hinges squealing. Mako was outside, her expression a complicated mix of jumbled emotions. She seemed eager and hopeful but there were hints of anxiousness too in the tightness around her mouth. Her eyes were glassy and wide but he couldn't quite tell if it was sadness that was the cause for it.

"Mako? Is everything alright?" Raleigh asked, instinctual concern kicking in the moment he was met with her obvious distress. He didn't hesitate before stepping closer, well into her personal space, her head tipping back in order to maintain eye contact.

In the week since Pitfall she had never quite looked so out of balance. She had handled Pentecost's passing with as much dignity as could ever be asked out of someone in mourning but this, this was something else.

"They found him." Her voice was hushed but not because of sorrow or fear – it sounded like hope. Reverence, almost. As if she didn't dare to say it out loud, afraid that it would become untrue the moment she had.

Raleigh frowned.

"What? Who?"

She didn't smile but it was still there somehow, in her dark eyes and slightly breathless voice.

"Chuck," she said. "They found Chuck."

Raleigh was barely even aware of how his hand shot out, gripping the doorframe for support. He started down at Mako and blinked in incomprehension. She took a deep breath but it didn't seem to calm her all that much.

"They found Chuck," she repeated, holding Raleigh's gaze firmly, as if to make sure that he heard every single word she was saying. "He's alive."

Raleigh was speechless. His brain didn't seem to want to catch up.

He wasn't even sure if he was breathing.

Chuck was alive?

Mako nodded, which was how Raleigh realized that he had asked the question out loud. He didn't really care beyond the fact that Chuck was obviously alive. Raleigh had no idea how that was even possible but he'd take it – he'd accept whatever ludicrous explanation as long as it meant that it was true. That Chuck was alive after all.

Raleigh's knuckles were white around the steel of the doorframe, his shoulders tense.

Chuck was alive.

It felt like Raleigh could breathe for the first time in a week.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys still with me?
> 
> So this chapter made my beta - [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum) \- cry something terrible. The main reason for that though was that the version I sent her ended after Raleigh's letter. For a long time that was the actual ending. Chuck died. End of story. That letter was all the closure Raleigh got. 
> 
> Buuuuut I always knew how to make it happy and eventually I decided to be nice to you all and actually write that extra scene followed by the two coming chapters. I'm such a considerate person, aren't I? ;) Never mind the suffering you had to go through to get here... but it's pretty much smooth sailing from now on! (Kinda)


	4. Confrontations

 

* * *

 

As much as Raleigh wanted to burst into Chuck's room at the Shatterdome sickbay simply to put his own whirling emotions at ease he knew how inconsiderate that would be. It took a great deal of determination but he made sure to linger outside instead, a couple of steps further down the corridor.

Chuck's helicopter transport had arrived just two hours ago and Raleigh was clearly not on top of the list of people who should be permitted to see him. Herc had gotten a free pass from the doctors only because he had threatened to fire them all if they didn't let him through. Raleigh couldn't begrudge the man. He couldn't even imagine what Herc must be feeling in that moment – to have his son back after an agonizing, torturous week of believing that he would never see him again.

That's not to say that Chuck was in good shape.

Mako explained in a careful, hushed voice that Pentecost must have ejected Chuck sometime before the blast but LOCCENT had somehow not picked up on the signal from the escape pod, probably due to damage. That had lead to Chuck washing ashore somewhere in Japan – Raleigh didn't have the peace of mind remember the name of the specific city – at which point he had spent several days unconscious at the local hospital. They had had no idea who he was and it wasn't until Chuck grew lucid enough to explain that they knew where to send him once he had stabilized to the extent that he could be transferred.

A week. The entire Shatterdome had thought that Chuck was dead for a week.

It wasn't Chuck's fault – nor the people at that hospital in Japan – but Raleigh couldn't help feeling a flare of something vicious at the thought of an entire week having passed. A week of thinking that Chuck was dead. A week of mourning. A week of Chuck lying alone in some hospital bed, miles away from the people who cared about him.

But he was there now. Raleigh decided to cling to that. Chuck was alive. Raleigh had seen it with his own eyes when he managed to catch a glimpse in through the open door when one of the doctors had passed. Chuck was obviously bruised and pretty banged up, but he had been conscious and nodding to something his dad was saying. It was more than enough.

Raleigh couldn't deny that his heart had dropped, his chest squeezing, when he had seen the empty space where Chuck's right arm should have been though. It was just a brief glance – not enough to really assess if there was any other major damage – but that particular thing had been difficult to miss.

What Raleigh felt wasn't pity though. It was sadness. Pure, overwhelming sadness that Chuck had been forced to suffer to the extent that he had and that he was probably far from okay. Despite the fact that Raleigh knew that the J-techs still milling about the Shatterdome could have a prototype for a prosthetic arm done before tomorrow evening it would still take time to recover from the loss of a limb.

It always went deeper than practical issues when it came to severe trauma and there was no telling how Chuck would react to it. Raleigh guessed on anger and stoic silence but he wasn't sure if he understood Chuck well enough to know for sure. Mako, who knew Chuck slightly better, seemed more concerned with Raleigh's immediate well-being judging on how she lingered by his side, leaning against the wall next to him.

Raleigh tried not to notice how perfectly they mirrored each other's poses.

If he had been less high strung he might have felt offended that she felt a need to keep an eye on him – he wasn't the one who was hurt after all – but he knew to be grateful for the support all the same. The doctors were still busy estimating the damage and what they needed to do to ensure Chuck's continued recovery so Raleigh knew that he was in for a long wait.

But he could wait. He _would_ wait, for as long as it took.

Mako gave him a fond, amused smile when Raleigh tried not to fidget from nerves, but it was increasingly difficult to remain still.

"You are happy."

Raleigh gave her a confused look, no more than that needed for her to understand his question.

"That he is alive," she clarified with a gentle nod towards the closed door.

Her smile grew a little stronger but the worry and anxiousness was still there, probably because of the lack of news on Chuck's current condition. While he knew that they wouldn't have risked transporting a patient unless he was stable Raleigh couldn't help wondering what it meant that the doctors or Herc hadn't come out yet.

Raleigh rubbed a hand over his face.

"Yeah, I guess I am," he replied evasively. He wasn't trying to keep her out – if there was one person he trusted with his innermost thoughts it was Mako –, he just needed some time to sort them through before he voiced them out loud.

She waited patiently, standing close enough that her arm brushed against his. Raleigh liked having her within his personal space even if they rarely touched with intent. The warmth and quiet strength she excluded helped ground him in the present, his thoughts less prone to drift towards the past whenever she was close.

"He's Charlie."

Raleigh had no idea why he blurted it out just like that but it had been churning inside him for days so he wasn't exactly surprised either. Perhaps his timing could have been better. Or maybe it was just right, considering who was lying in the room down the hall.

Mako remained silent during a couple of seconds, no doubt sifting through the memories of Charlie she had managed to glimpse through the Drift. There weren't many and not all of them stood out compared to Yancy's death and other events in Raleigh's life, but she seemed to have caught something judging on the way her eyes widened ever so slightly.

"Oh. I didn't know." She looked up at him, expression earnest and somehow apologetic, as if she should have. "That he wrote to you, I mean."

Raleigh smiled softly, looking down at the grated floor.

"Neither did I. Not until after he-... almost died." Raleigh shrugged, trying to act as if the slight moment of hesitation didn't mean much at all, when in reality it meant quite a lot. "I would have known before that, if I hadn't been so keen on ignoring all the signs and coincidences." His smile was crooked. "Makes me feel like a bit of an idiot now though."

Mako might be judging him a little for that if the slight quirk to her eyebrow was anything to go by but she didn't say anything.

"Does he know?" she asked, her voice gentle.

"That I know?"

She nodded in reply and Raleigh shook his head.

"He almost told me before Pitfall – stopped me in the corridor on my way to Gipsy and I just got this feeling that there was something-"

He fell silent, knowing that Mako probably knew exactly what conversation he was talking about. They had Drifted only minutes after it and Raleigh hadn't quite been able to put it out of his mind as efficiently as he would have liked.

Her smile looked almost teasing now. Raleigh was fairly certain that he was just imagining things.

"Anyway, he doesn't know. I didn't know for sure until I talked to Herc two days ago."

Mako hummed thoughtfully, her dark eyes serious when she met his gaze.

"You mourned him before that."

Raleigh opened his mouth, not quite sure what to reply to that. She wasn't wrong of course – he had been missing Chuck for a lot longer than he had known that he was Charlie – but Raleigh mostly chose to ignore that, simply because he didn't know _why_ he had.

He wasn't sure if he wanted to know. It was easier to just pretend that it was all about Charlie when it might actually have been more about Chuck. The difference was quite significant, at least in Raleigh's mind.

Luckily enough for him Mako was a very considerate and respectful person when it concerned people's privacy so she didn't push. But she did voice one of the questions Raleigh had so far tried not to ask himself.

"Will you tell him?"

Raleigh took a deep breath while running a hand through his hair.

"I don't know," he admitted after a short silence. He gave her a quick glance before shrugging. "I'm not sure if he would want me to. Chuck hasn't exactly seemed happy to see me so to remind him about the letters he wrote to me when he was a kid? And seems quite embarrassed by, no less? He'd hate it."

"But you wouldn't."

The bluntness almost made Raleigh flinch. That or the fact that it was true.

Raleigh allowed himself a deep, cleansing inhale before he nodded. He was ashamed to admit it but a part of him wanted to be selfish and tell Chuck, no matter what he might be feeling on the matter. Raleigh wanted to explain that he had never meant to hurt Chuck back when he left the PPDC and as fragile as it might be Raleigh clung to the hope that they could forge some kind of friendship if they just settled their differences.

It wouldn't be easy but he knew it would be worth it.

Chuck, just like Mako, was one of the few people that had left an impression on him, be it good or bad. Raleigh wasn't prepared to just give up on that, not when he remembered just how _intense_ everything was when dealing with Chuck.

It might be stupid and slightly masochistic but it was actually rather thrilling to face that kind of temper. Raleigh had never been bored when talking to Chuck. Not that he could say that he had been particularly happy either, but everything was a work in progress.

Raleigh had patience.

"You should tell him. I think it would help," Mako offered, but definitely not lightly. Her expression was stern, as if she was ready to argue on the matter if Raleigh opposed to her advice. And she was just as stubborn as he was.

"Why do I get the feeling that you have some kind of ulterior motive?" he asked her suspiciously, eyebrow raised.

Mako's smile, bordering towards a grin really, was bright as she patted his arm supportively.

"You'll do fine." She had apparently decided to ignore the question altogether and Raleigh chose not to pursue it. If the twinkle in her eye was any indication he would probably sleep better if he didn't.

He couldn't quite hide his hesitation though. Mako's expression softened at the sight.

"Talk to him, then see. You will know what to do."

Raleigh huffed out a hoarse chuckle, shaking his head.

"No, Mako, I really won't."

Before she had time to scold or reassure him – if was difficult to say what she would be most prone to do – the door to Chuck's room opened. Raleigh could almost feel his spine snapping in his haste to straighten, Mako doing the same if in a more reasonable pace.

Herc looked tired and close to collapsing but Raleigh could tell that it was out of relief, not sadness. That had to mean good news.

Raleigh and Mako waited patiently while Herc exchanged a couple of words with the doctors that had accompanied him, approaching only when the latter two turned to leave. Raleigh couldn't help that his steps were a bit hurried, to the point that Mako had a hard time keeping up without jogging.

"How is he?" Raleigh tried to tell himself that he was concerned about Chuck's well-being strictly as a fellow Ranger, nothing else, but the look on Mako's face said something else. Raleigh ignored her.

Herc didn't seem to notice either way, no doubt too caught up in the delirious rush from having his son quite literally come back from the dead.

"Stable. And asleep, for now." Herc cleared his throat, scrubbing a hand over his face. "Not much to do but wait for him to recover, actually. He's banged up – couple of broken ribs, bruises and cuts – but he'll be fine, save for the-"

Herc stumbled – as was quite understandable – and Raleigh felt his throat constrict. It didn't take more than a second for Herc to catch himself though and when he met Raleigh and Mako's eyes he looked calm and determined.

"His arm was too badly damaged when he washed up back in Japan. They had to amputate it." There was no fear or hesitation in his expression, which was a huge relief to Raleigh. Chuck would need all the support he could get and it would have been a devastating blow if his own dad wouldn't be able to accept the loss of a limb.

"He could always get a prosthetic arm." Raleigh hadn't meant for it to sound so careless – as if it wasn't a life altering situation – but Herc seemed to understand the sentiment rather than become insulted by the unfortunate phrasing.

"It will be discussed once he has gotten further in his recovery," Herc replied with a nod.

A part of Raleigh wanted to ask more questions but that would be awfully inconsiderate. Herc deserved some rest after the ordeal he had been through, not to stand there and be interrogated by Raleigh. So he offered a smile and made no attempt to reach Chuck's door or pressure Herc further.

"I'm glad that he's okay, all things considered."

Mako nodded her assent and Herc smiled, possibly for the first time since Operation Pitfall – at least if the requirement was for it to look like a smile, not a pained grimace.

"He'll probably be allowed visitors sometime tomorrow."

Raleigh was infinitely grateful that Herc volunteered that piece of information since it meant that he wouldn't have to ask for it. And there was no mistaking the imploring look on Herc's face, as if he wasn't quite sure if they would be interested but hoped that they were. Raleigh tried to ignore the stab he felt at the reminder that Chuck probably didn't have anyone else who would be visiting.

A couple of years ago Raleigh had been the closest thing Chuck had to a friend and something told him that Chuck's lack of social prowess hadn't exactly improved.

"We'll make sure to drop by," Raleigh assured Herc, knowing that Mako was thinking the same thing. They both wanted to see Chuck.

Herc relaxed and Raleigh squeezed Mako's hand as it slipped into his. They could see Chuck tomorrow.

Raleigh tried to tell himself that the elation he felt was completely natural but a tiny part of him – the same one that had always known that Chuck might be Charlie despite Raleigh's attempts to believe the opposite – told him that it wasn't that simple. His heart wasn't beating this fast, pushing against his ribs in a steady but rapid tattoo, just because of relief. There was a lot more to it than that, but Raleigh wasn't quite ready to face it yet.

All in due time.

Right now he just wanted to focus on the miracle of Chuck somehow being alive, despite the detonation of a nuclear bomb and his weeklong absence. It was all that mattered right then.

Chuck was alive.

Mako seemed to understand that Raleigh wanted to visit Chuck without her in the room but it honestly wasn't just for his benefit. If Raleigh knew Chuck – which he had no illusions of doing, but he did think he was at the very least educated enough to _guess_ – it would be better not to crowd him. If they both showed up at the same time Chuck might feel cornered or, God forbid, like they were ganging up on him.

Feeling self-conscious about injuries was understandable – especially of this magnitude – and Chuck would no doubt be more defensive than most, to make up for how vulnerable he must be feeling.

Raleigh couldn't quite imagine what it had to be like. Sure, he had lost a lot and still carried scars from when Yancy had died but Mako was the only living person who knew how deep it went, simply because it didn't show. Raleigh's injuries were mostly on the inside. He looked fine for the most part.

Chuck's, on the other hand, was at this stage difficult to hide. A missing arm was more noticeable than Raleigh's possible brain damage.

Raleigh figured that Chuck would be very angry about that. Someone so confident and proud would no doubt feel like he had lost more than an arm – as if he was suddenly weak or less than before. And Raleigh had no intention of making Chuck feel like he was being measured by Raleigh and Mako.

As good as his intentions were it didn't quite work out the way Raleigh had planned, simply because when Raleigh arrived to Chuck's hospital room – hours after Mako had been there – Chuck was fast asleep. Which was completely understandable, quite expected really, but it did leave Raleigh with the dilemma of whether to wait there or come back later.

He knew the latter would probably be the best but a part of him somehow feared that if he left now Chuck would disappear before he had time to return. It was completely irrational – Chuck wasn't going anywhere – but Raleigh couldn't quite convince himself to leave.

Chuck had vanished into nothingness before.

So Raleigh stayed.

He took at seat in the chair next to Chuck's bed and waited in silence for Chuck to wake up. Raleigh made sure not to stare, not after the initial glance to make sure that Chuck seemed at ease and pain free, and instead kept his gaze on the floor or the opposite wall.

Raleigh had no idea what to say when Chuck woke up. He still hadn't decided whether to mention the letters or not, even if he had brought them, tucked away in his back pocket. He wanted to, he really did, but he wasn't sure if now would be the best time. Chuck still looked haggard and tired – that much was impossible to miss even when allowing himself nothing more than a cursory glance – and Raleigh didn't want to add to the things Chuck had to deal with, be they physical or psychological.

Besides, he had no idea how Chuck would react.

Raleigh could plan what to say all he wanted but as soon as Chuck opened his mouth he would no doubt go off script and ruin Raleigh's carefully constructed efforts. Raleigh had a hard time predicting what Chuck would say and do except perhaps that it would in all likelihood be something offensive and obnoxious. It wasn't just that Chuck was stubborn and difficult to control, it was that he was always brimming with big, loud emotions that could lash out without warning. Chuck could be angry, insulting and arrogant but to Raleigh's surprise he had also turned out to be insecure, heartfelt and caring – in his own way.

Whenever Chuck felt something he seemed to do it with his entire being and that made him unpredictable as well as predictable. It was a contradiction unlike anything Raleigh had ever seen but, then again, this was Chuck so maybe it made perfect sense after all.

Raleigh couldn't say that he outright disliked it though. It made him a little nervous not to know what would happen until it already had but at least it was never boring. Interacting with Chuck was like carefully navigating a minefield and yes, sometimes that was tiring and just about the last thing Raleigh wanted, but it kept him alert. It kept him interested.

Right this instant it made him a little uncomfortable however, not because he felt any need for control but because he would hate to do something that would cause Chuck unnecessary anguish. It was one of the things that kept Raleigh from putting his own wishes before Chuck's. No matter how much Raleigh wanted to repair this thing between them he wouldn't do it at the cost of Chuck's well-being.

He couldn't say for sure how long he sat there. After a while the minutes started to blur together and Raleigh found himself relaxing more than he had even since before Pitfall. The only sounds came from the machines attached to Chuck and they were just a soft hum in the background. Raleigh quite liked the peace and quiet.

Ever since the closing of the Breach Raleigh had sought distractions that could keep him occupied, to the point that he had almost forgotten what it felt like be surrounded by near silence. The moments not spent helping people out around the Shatterdome he had been sleeping or in Mako's presence, and while they didn't have a habit of talking at length there had still been some kind of noise or conversation.

Here it was quiet.

At one point Herc briefly stopped by to check up on Chuck. He didn't say anything, possibly to avoid waking his son, and just gave Raleigh a slight smile and a nod after having made sure that all was well. Raleigh got the impression that had he not been there Herc would have stayed, but now he entrusted Raleigh with the responsibility of watching over his son.

It might or might not have gotten a little difficult to breathe when Raleigh realized the amount of trust he was shown.

It came as no surprise that Raleigh missed the moment Chuck woke up, right up until the point when he inevitably started speaking. Raleigh was so far off in thought that he wasn't quite listening to the rhythm of Chuck's breathing.

"What the fuck, Becket?" Chuck's voice was rough, cracking ever so slightly from disuse. It almost startled Raleigh enough to make him jump, but only almost.

He made sure to maintain his calm, facing Chuck with a rather bland look on his face.

"Hello to you too."

Chuck grimaced as he shuffled around a little, as if to find a more comfortable position. He gave Raleigh a narrow-eyed glare that would have been more effective if his face hadn't still been bruised and covered in slight nicks here and there. Raleigh couldn't help wondering what had caused them. Probably pieces from the escape pod, if it had been crushed or smashed.

"How long have you been sitting there?" There was a warning hint to Chuck's tone and Raleigh knew that if he answered honestly Chuck would throw a fit.

But he wasn't going to lie either.

"A while."

As expected Chuck's expression darkened, his jaw clenching.

"Piss off. Find something else to stare at," Chuck hissed, clearly resorting to anger like usual.

"I wasn't staring," Raleigh replied truthfully.

The barking scoff Chuck let out proved just how little he believed that.

"I mean it, Becket. Fuck the hell off." Despite the harsh words and the sharpness in his voice Chuck still sounded less sincere than usual. As if he was tired and held on to his anger only because it was expected of him. Or to hide something else behind it.

"How are you feeling?" Raleigh decided to ignore Chuck completely, which might be inconsiderate but still necessary if he wanted to have what could at least be mistaken for a proper conversation.

Chuck gave him an incredulous look, as if the question offended him.

"Really? You ask me that?" Genuine affront was slowly bleeding into Chuck's words. "I'm lying here in a hospital bed with broken bones and bruises and without my fucking _arm_ and you want to know how I'm _feeling_?"

Raleigh tilted his head to the side, just enough that Chuck would see it and probably find it utterly insulting. Like everything else Raleigh could possibly think of doing in that moment. He might not be able to predict Chuck's moods but he could see when someone was aching for a confrontation. Chuck wanted someone to yell at and Raleigh wasn't sensitive enough that he couldn't handle it.

As risky as it might be to knowingly allow Chuck to lose his temper Raleigh had a feeling that the sooner it happened the better. There was only so much bottling up one human could withstand before they burst and Chuck definitely struck him as a person who would rather hide his weaknesses than let them show. Raleigh would rather face a violent outburst now than watch Chuck succumb to it later.

"Yes."

Chuck visibly bristled.

"I feel like fucking crap, you bloody idiot, and you're not making it any better!" he barked viciously. "You think you're so special and perfect but you're nothing but a fucking coward. You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for the Marshal and you have no right to look so bloody smug! You have no right to judge me!"

Raleigh kept his expression carefully blank, which only seemed to piss Chuck off more.

"What? You're not going to say anything?" Chuck challenged, clearly wanting Raleigh to shout back, either to justify further insults or just to get a reaction out of him.

Raleigh didn't even blink.

"Get the fuck out, Becket. If you want to stare at a freak you can just go find a mirror instead."

That got to him. Raleigh could face pretty much anything Chuck could throw at him – most of it was things he had thought himself sometime during the five years since Yancy's death – but that comment got to him, simply because it wasn't just about Raleigh.

"Chuck-"

"NO! Get out! I have no fucking idea what you thought you could accomplish by coming here but I won't let you sit there and stare at me like I'm some kind of disfigured freak! You could at the very least show some fucking respect and not be so goddamn obvious about your pity!"

"I don't pity-"

Chuck kept going without taking notice of Raleigh's attempt to placate him.

"I _hate_ the way you think you're so much better than me," Chuck snarled, making some kind of aborted movement that should probably have transferred as a gesture with his right arm but for obvious reasons couldn't. It only seemed to make Chuck even more furious. "You're a fucking joke! A spineless, pathetic coward who gives up without even thinking about the people you're abandoning!"

If Raleigh hadn't known that Chuck was Charlie he probably wouldn't have understood the significance of those words, nor felt the squeeze of guilt they now caused.

Chuck had worked up a pretty solid flare of anger by then and Raleigh was beginning to worry that he might cause himself unintended harm. Chuck had to be in pain but he didn't show it, the adrenaline no doubt buffering the worst of it.

"Chuck, I'm really-"

"Oh shut it! I don't want to hear it. You're a fucking disgrace!" Chuck's left hand was clenching the sheets of the bed so hard his knuckles were white. "How come you always get off so easy, huh? I lose my fucking arm and you're just fine. How the fuck is that fair?"

Raleigh wanted to argue that he didn't get off easy at all – he had lost his brother for heaven's sake – but the chaotic tumble of pain and self-loathing in Chuck's eyes made him hold back. Now really wasn't the time to be easily offended. Chuck's fury was fluctuating back and forth but it was obvious that it seemed to be directed mostly inwards and that, more than anything, was worrying.

"Calm down, Chuck," Raleigh tried gently, inching to the edge of his chair.

It only seemed to make things worse.

"I won't calm the fuck down, you insufferable arse! I've lost my ARM! How calm would you be?" Chuck snapped, eyes wild. "I almost _died_! I had to amputate a _limb_! I hate my life enough as it is without you telling me what to do!"

Raleigh felt a curl of panic. This wasn't what he had intended. He just wanted Chuck to get some of the anger out but Raleigh was quickly proving to be the wrong person to handle it. He got to his feet, holding up his hands palms out, as if the gesture alone was enough to calm Chuck down.

"Chuck, please-"

"NO! Fuck you! Stop staring! Stop judging me! Just-... fucking _stop_!" The quiver in Chuck's voice felt like a kick to Raleigh's chest. He tried to breathe around it, reaching out without really thinking about it – to place a hand on Chuck's left shoulder – but Chuck recoiled as if burnt. "Don't touch me! I don't want your pity! I don't want-"

"Charlie!"

Chuck cut himself off so suddenly that Raleigh could practically hear him choke on it. It could easily be the fact that Raleigh – despite Chuck's protests – had grabbed a hold of his left wrist, but it was more than likely the name he had used.

Chuck's eyes were wide, something akin to fear lurking in their depths, and he swallowed harshly.

"What did you call me?"

Raleigh knew that he could try to deny it – come up with some excuse for why he automatically went for that name when he got desperate – but he had a feeling that Chuck wouldn't believe it. While there was definitely dread in Chuck's eyes there was also a noticeable flash of conflicted anticipation.

"Charlie," Raleigh repeated, softer now, feeling Chuck's pulse thrum against his fingers. He didn't relax his grip but Chuck didn't seem to be struggling against it either. Chuck was just staring at him, clearly uncertain on how to proceed.

For possibly the first time in his life Chuck seemed stunned into silence.

"I first got to know you as Charlie," Raleigh eventually continued, when it became obvious that he would have to breach the silence somehow. "You wrote me letters when you were younger."

He knew he didn't have to explain it to Chuck – he seemed all too aware of what he considered to be some kind of childhood weakness – but Raleigh wanted him to understand that he knew. Perhaps not everything but he knew enough. He knew who Chuck was.

Raleigh took a deep breath and had to fight against an entirely unbidden urge to run his thumb along the soft skin on the inside of Chuck's wrist.

"I didn't find out for sure until after Pitfall. Your dad let it slip," Raleigh admitted, not wanting to lie about something like that. "I guess he didn't realize just how diligently you've been trying to hide it."

Chuck finally seemed to catch up to the situation, wrenching out of Raleigh's grip while gritting his teeth. He immediately went on the defensive.

"So? It doesn't make any bloody difference."

Raleigh smiled crookedly.

"You know that's a lie." He waited until Chuck shot him an angry glare, no doubt just inches from snarling whatever insult he could think off, before he continued, voice firm and decisive: "You were about to tell me just before Pitfall, weren't you? That was why you sought me out."

Chuck's expression was guarded but it was still easy to see the flash of hesitation.

"What's it to you? You came to rub it in or something? I was just a kid, alright? A stupid, ignorant kid who put his faith in the wrong fucking place."

Raleigh accepted the barb, swallowing around the trickle of guilt he felt. But more than anything he was surprised that Chuck hadn't denied it. He didn't even try. Raleigh hoped that was a good sign – that maybe Chuck wasn't entirely against the idea to straighten this out.

Raleigh decided that it was worth a slight gamble.

"I still have them."

Chuck seemed to freeze.

"Not all of them since I lost the first two but, well..." Raleigh still wasn't sure if this was the right course of action but it was too late to back out now. He carefully retrieved the letters from his back pocket, smiling faintly. They were in rough shape by then – wrinkled and worn soft around the edges – but he hoped that would only show how much he treasured them. "You saw them, that time when Max stopped in front of my open door. I don't know if you knew but-... they were from you. I kept them."

Chuck didn't seem to know how to react.

He was probably grasping for the familiar and comforting strength offered by his anger but seemed to fall short – as if he couldn't quite bring himself to get upset about it. He refused to look at Raleigh, avoiding his gaze while swallowing harshly, head ducked.

Raleigh had never thought that he would see Chuck look so much like a lost, confused little boy. He didn't feel any kind of pride for causing it but he was grateful for the lack of yelling.

It was difficult to take his next breath, Raleigh's throat tight with nerves.

"This wasn't how I meant for this conversation to go," he admitted softly. Chuck still wasn't looking at him, the fingers of his one remaining hand gripping the sheets as if for support. "And I realize that the timing is horrible and that you're probably still pretty pissed at me, which I don't exactly blame you for. So I'm not going to push."

Raleigh carefully slid the two letters he had written from the thin stack, placing them on the bedside table rather than expecting Chuck to accept them.

"But I will leave you with those. The first I wrote after you joined the Academy but didn't know where to send it so I never did. The second, well... you'll notice." Raleigh glanced at Chuck, not surprised to see that he was still avoiding eye contact, looking uncomfortable but also – if Raleigh dared to be so hopeful – undeniably curious. Despite the misunderstandings and baggage between them it was obvious that Chuck wasn't unaffected by the thought of Raleigh actually caring.

Pieces of Charlie's innocence might still be in there after all.

As uncomfortable as it made Raleigh to let anyone read the letter he had written while essentially in mourning he knew that Chuck, if anyone, deserved to know. He had bared himself years ago – selfless and hopeful – and Raleigh had every intention of returning the favor now that he could, especially if it meant that they would be on more even ground afterwards.

Raleigh cleared his throat before smiling tightly.

"You can read them or throw them away – it's up to you – but if you want to talk about it, let me know." His mouth felt unnaturally dry. "I won't come by again unless you ask me to, okay? I know I might not be welcome, but if I am just let Herc or Mako know and I'll be over as soon as I can."

It was risky to leave this in Chuck's hands but there wasn't much else he could do. Raleigh didn't want to impose and just because _he_ was open to some kind of reconciliation didn't mean that Chuck was. So Raleigh gave him an out. If Chuck wanted to end all communication and continued interaction right then and there he could.

Perhaps it was mean to place that kind of a decision on someone as emotionally pressured as Chuck was, all things considered, but lying or trying to avoid the subject would surely only make it worse. Chuck seemed to prefer to face things head on.

Besides, if Chuck was the one allowed to make the decision and chose to accept he would have to be at least reasonably civil with Raleigh from that point on. You couldn't accept a peace offering and then be an ass to the person you were supposedly trying to mend bridges with – especially not when you had a perfectly reasonable chance to get away from it. Raleigh might be patient but he wasn't an idiot or a pushover. If Chuck wanted to talk they would, but as grownups. There were only so many juvenile tantrums Raleigh would put up with before he got tired of being forgiving and kind.

"Take the time you need. I'll still be around," Raleigh finished after having determined that Chuck wasn't going to say anything. He was either too shocked or too uncomfortable. Or possibly just uncertain and out of his element. That wasn't entirely improbable either.

Raleigh knew that saying anything more than that would just be dragging it out so without further ado he gave Chuck a brief nod – something Chuck might not even have noticed considering how he was still studiously not looking at Raleigh – before he turned and left.

He felt both lighter and heavier at heart. Lighter because it was finally out in the open – the letters, Charlie and all of that – but heavy because he had no idea what would happen next.

As scary as it was it was Chuck's decision now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost forgot I was supposed to upload a chapter today because in the past 48 hours I've slept like eight of those so I'm more than a little sleep deprived. Work will prove pretty interesting today, I'm sure.
> 
> Aaaanyway. They're working towards a reconciliation! But they both need a little time to deal with everything first. Still, there's only one chapter to go so we're getting there! :D
> 
> [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum) is my kickass beta and I really should work on getting more sleep. Ugh.


	5. Apologies

 

* * *

 

Raleigh forced himself not to think too much about what Chuck's decision would be during the days that followed, mostly because there was no way to tell if the lack of response so far meant that he didn't want to see Raleigh again or if he just hadn't decided yet. It wasn't easy, Raleigh could admit that, not when the fourth day rolled around and there was still no word. He hadn't lied – he would give Chuck time and he would wait a lot longer than a couple of days if it was necessary – but the silence could be an answer in itself.

It could be a rejection.

For the sake of his own sanity Raleigh made sure to keep himself busy. Herc was understandably more focused on Chuck than the dealings at the Shatterdome – unless they were urgent and required his express input – which lead to some strategic delegations of tasks where appropriate. Mako and Tendo got more things to do and by extension so did Raleigh. He might have less official qualifications than they did but there were still a lot of things he could help out with.

He was grateful for the distraction.

Mako had visited Chuck twice in the four days that had passed and Raleigh could tell by the look on her face that they must have discussed something painful, even if it also seemed to offer her a much needed feeling of serenity. Raleigh assumed that it had to do with Marshal Pentecost but never asked.

He did ask how Chuck was doing however and she was happy to forward the information that Chuck was looking better by the day, even if he was still frustrated and clearly uncomfortable with his dependence on other people. It was rather expected – Raleigh had been the same during his hospital stay after Yancy died – but it was something he would simply have to endure. It was far too early for Chuck to be discharged.

As much as Raleigh tried to seem unbothered by Chuck's continued silence he knew that Mako was aware of how deeply it actually affected him. He hadn't exactly been able to keep it from her – she had seen right away when he came back from Chuck's hospital room that something was wrong and he had told her pretty much the full story – but there wasn't much she could do to help. She still tried of course, much too considerate not to.

They were helping with the slow progress of dismantling the control room when she spoke up, her hands busy rolling up a long cable with precise, efficient movements.

"Chuck is loyal."

Raleigh paused in the spooling of his own cable and gave her an incredulous look. She kept her eyes on what she was doing but smiled all the same, as if she could sense Raleigh's bafflement.

"He is stubborn and determined. It made him excel at the Academy," she continued, as if that was supposed to make more sense somehow. Before Raleigh had time to ask what the hell she was talking about she was speaking again. "It is part pride. Once he has decided to do something he rarely gives up. He hates failure or to surrender."

Raleigh frowned.

"So?"

She gave him a look that seemed to suggest that he was being adorably thick.

"He remains loyal, despite any hardships he might run into. Loyalty drives him. Loyalty to the cause, to his father and to the people he cares about – those he wants to protect." She smiled, achingly sweet. "To abandon them would be to fail."

Oh.

That made Raleigh feel both tentatively hopeful and terribly guilty. According to that rule Raleigh had failed Chuck when he left the PPDC, but if Mako was right it also meant that Chuck probably wouldn't push him away. Provided that he still cared about Raleigh.

"So this is your roundabout way of saying that he'll come around?" Raleigh asked with a hint of amusement.

She shook her head.

"This is me explaining why he is angry with you, but also why he is taking so long. He needs to determine the depth of his loyalty and devotion to you."

"When you put it like that it sounds like there's a lot more to this than mere friendship."

Raleigh didn't know why he said it. He realized a second too late that he shouldn't have.

Mako's gaze was firm and seemed to bore into his.

"Isn't there?"

Raleigh stopped breathing. It was partly the straight-faced way she delivered it – as if Raleigh didn't actually have to answer because she already knew – and partly the obvious challenge. She wouldn't take kindly to him trying to deny it.

He opened his mouth, unable to find words with which to answer. His heartbeats were loud in his ears, fingers tightening around the cable in his hands while his thoughts stumbled over themselves in their haste to come up with some kind of reply. But he honestly had no idea what to say. When faced with it on such bold, unapologetic terms he found himself faltering.

He hadn't allowed himself to acknowledge it as a possibility. He hadn't allowed the thought to fully gain hold, even if he had felt it fluttering at the back of his mind more than once. Raleigh had been too busy denying the way he seemed incapable of ignoring Chuck and how most aspects of his current life seemed to be orbiting around him.

It was still uncertain whether Raleigh was ready to face it or not.

And a part of him didn't want to, not until Chuck had apologized.

As guilty as Raleigh felt for his own shortcomings when it came to how he had treated Charlie it wasn't an excuse for all the insults Chuck had thrown at him. Raleigh was still mad – he had every right to be. Both of them did. But behind that, underneath the wounded pride and churning guilt, there was something more. Raleigh was well aware of that.

He had mourned Chuck as if he was so much more than just a fellow Ranger. And how many times had Raleigh ignored the way he had seemed to gravitate towards Chuck? Mostly due to annoyance, granted, but also undeniable tension.

Tension that was more than just aggressive in nature.

"I-... I honestly don't know, Mako," Raleigh admitted after a while, eyes downcast.

He could feel her fingers brush against his arm.

"Then you will figure it out."

If only it was that simple. But Raleigh made sure to smile all the same, taking comfort in the fact that she was trying to help. She smiled back before returning to her task, leaving Raleigh to his thoughts.

He wasn't lying. He had no idea what was between him and Chuck and Raleigh definitely didn't know whether it was just him or not.

But maybe Mako was right. Maybe it was time to find out.

Raleigh didn't get very far on that endeavor since the very next day Mako let him know that Chuck was asking for him. It was difficult to tell if his excitement outweighed his nerves or if it was the other way around. In the end it didn't really matter since Raleigh knew that he would be heading over to Chuck's room as soon as he was done with his immediate duties.

That's not to say that he hurried. He figured it would be best if he maintained his calm.

It took over two hours before he found himself walking up to Chuck's room at the sickbay, knocking on the doorframe to announce his arrival. He was almost surprised to find the door open but then again, it probably had to feel pretty claustrophobic with it closed.

Chuck looked up at the knock and as soon as he realized who it was Raleigh could see him stiffen. Raleigh tried to tell himself that it wasn't surprising. Things were bound to be awkward between them, especially for someone like Chuck who wasn't exactly the best at social convention to begin with.

"Hi." Raleigh's voice was softer than intended but Chuck seemed to hear him well enough.

There was a moment when Chuck didn't seem to know what to do – he looked nervous, maybe even insecure – and Raleigh waited patiently just outside the threshold. It hit him that maybe Chuck had asked him to come because he wanted to yell at him some more, or tell him to leave him alone for good.

Maybe Mako had been wrong.

"Well? Are you just going to stand there like a bloody moron or are you going to sit down?"

Raleigh couldn't help the chuckle that burst out of him.

"You never change, do you?" Raleigh asked as he made his way over to the chair by Chuck's bedside.

"Wouldn't be me if I did, I reckon."

There wasn't much to say to that so Raleigh chose not to, taking a seat instead. Chuck wouldn't quite meet his eyes but this close it looked more like nerves than anything strictly hostile. Chuck was plucking at the sheets with his left hand and for once didn't seem to angle himself in a way that would somehow make his missing arm less obvious. He was clearly too busy fretting over something else.

"I'm sorry."

Raleigh blinked.

"What?" he asked incredulously. He must have been mistaken.

Chuck rolled his eyes, giving Raleigh a look that was both stubborn and strangely sincere.

"I said I was sorry, you dumb dork," Chuck snapped.

Nothing could have prepared Raleigh for that, which might have been why his response wasn't the best.

"It's amazing how you managed to negate your own apology by offending me in the very same sentence."

"It's a gift I have," Chuck drawled testily. "Can't all be perfect little choir boys, can we?"

Raleigh chose not to comment on that and instead addressed the more important matter at hand.

"What are you sorry for?"

Chuck's sigh seemed to suggest that Raleigh was dragging him through some kind of torture when he was the one who had brought it up in the first place. Chuck could be startlingly immature when he wanted to.

"For-... well, I shouldn't have said you've never lost anything. I know you have." Yancy's name seemed to hang in the air between them but neither of them said it out loud. "And, you know, for being so hard on ya' back before Pitfall."

"Really? Is that what you call it?" Raleigh knew it was dangerous to push it but as much as he was willing to forgive he wasn't going to let Chuck off the hook too easy either. Chuck really had behaved poorly.

Chuck glared at him, lips pressed into an angry, tight line. Raleigh calmly returned the look, leaned back in his chair and hands relaxed on the armrests.

"Alright, fine. I was an arse, okay?" Chuck grumbled sullenly. "But you're not much better."

The smile on Raleigh's lips was slightly crooked but no less amused.

"Yeah, I'm an ass too," he agreed. Raleigh had no intention of denying something that was obviously true. "Making you admit to a fault is a near impossibility, isn't it?"

"You're getting more than most, Ray, so I'd be grateful if I were you," Chuck shot back. "Take it or leave it."

Raleigh chuckled softly, his smile warm.

"Fine, I'll take it. You suck at apologies, but I'll take it." Raleigh didn't give Chuck time to speak up again before he asked: "Did Mako put you up to this?"

Chuck seemed surprised by the question, frowning while his hand stilled its incessant fiddling with the sheet.

"No, she didn't. I mean, sure, she asked about it after I apologized to her but she didn't make me do it. I can make decisions on my own, Ray."

"It's Raleigh," he replied automatically, inching closer to the edge of his chair and leaning forward to brace his elbows against his knees. "So you apologized to her too? For what you said after the test run?"

Chuck looked awkward then, his gaze flickering to look at anything but Raleigh.

"Don't read too much into it. I just said that she turned out to be a pretty good pilot after all."

Without even thinking Raleigh reached out, patting Chuck's hand.

"It's close enough, Charlie."

He had meant for it to be encouraging with a hint of teasing but the way Chuck stiffened made Raleigh realize how far off the mark he ended up. He could feel Chuck's fingers clench under his hand and forced himself not to snatch it back, knowing all too well how bad that would look.

Instead he leaned back in his chair, calm and at ease, as if it hadn't happened in the first place. He tried to ignore the slight clench in his chest and the spinning thoughts asking why his touch made Chuck so uncomfortable.

Chuck wasn't looking at Raleigh, too busy staring unseeing at the blanket spread out on top of him. The silence that settled over the room was unmistakably uncomfortable but Raleigh seemed to be the one most affected by it. He tried not to let it show but in the end he just couldn't keep it in.

"I'm sorry." Raleigh swallowed. "Not just for, well, what happened years ago but for heaping this all on you now. I know you have other things on your mind."

The look Chuck gave him was thoughtful and maybe just a little surprised but it was difficult to say what he was thinking. Raleigh rubbed a hand over his face.

"So... yeah. I'm sorry too."

"I know," Chuck replied easily, voice surprisingly calm. "I read your letters."

Raleigh made sure to keep breathing. They were finally getting to the core of the whole issue. Chuck obviously didn't need any kind of prompting to keep going, no doubt having thought of what he wanted to say already.

"And you're an idiot. A quite sweet idiot, I admit, but an idiot." Chuck took a slow, deep breath. "And I say yes. I'd like to try it."

It took a moment for Raleigh to catch up enough to understand what Chuck was referring to.

"You mean being friends?"

"Well, yeah, genius. I wouldn't waste apologies on you otherwise. Are you really that daft, mate?" As harsh as the words were the tone was soft. It was enough to make Raleigh smile. A part of him had wondered whether he would have to elaborate but Chuck had seemingly taken the letters – or at the very least the second one – as enough of an explanation.

Or perhaps Chuck wanted this as much as Raleigh did. The thought made Raleigh feel unmistakably delighted, almost to the point of giddiness.

"Not at all. Just making sure." Raleigh grinned. "Should probably have recorded it or something, for posterity."

"Oh piss off," Chuck replied, but there was no heat in his words.

Raleigh took a moment to cherish that. There was still a lot to sort out – he held no illusions about that – and they probably needed to talk about the whole thing with the letters, but for now he could settle for the truce they were building.

"So, friends?" he asked, allowing himself a delighted smile.

Chuck snorted but his expression was softening.

"Yeah, why the hell not? Worth a shot, right?"

It was. It really, really was. Even more so for the smile Chuck gave him. Raleigh had seen him smile before – just before they left for Operation Pitfall to name one – but this was somehow different. Sweeter and more genuine.

And, just like that, Raleigh realized that friends might not be such a good idea after all. It came rather out of the blue – and at the same time not at all considering his conversation with Mako – but one errant thought was all it took for it to turn upside down and finally hit home.

Being friends was going to be a bit more difficult than he had originally planned and all thanks to that almost innocently affectionate thought that popped up in his head, instinctive and unannounced.

_I want to kiss his dimples._

Well, shit.

Raleigh was grateful for how _not_ easy it was to be friends with Chuck, no matter how weird that might sound. A part of him had feared that they would tiptoe around each other in some misguided attempt to forcibly make it work, but after that first reconciliation Chuck was obviously back to his usual charming self.

Not that he was mean or anywhere near as insulting as he had been before, but he didn't try to censor himself either. He complained, whined and threw out sarcastic comments left and right, almost as if to test Raleigh's commitment – as if to see if he really intended to stick around. It was actually more enjoyable than Raleigh thought it would be, simply because he got to see so many more facets of Chuck's personality through it.

And, to be perfectly frank, a snarky Chuck was actually pretty funny once he chose not to use his observation to insult people.

It wasn't always easy on Raleigh's patience, not when Chuck was still defensive about his injuries and reliance on other people, but Raleigh definitely managed. When he and Chuck actually got talking – about things they might or might not have in common – it was always interesting. They rarely agreed but that in itself just lead to longer conversations and Raleigh embraced whatever chance he got to get to know Chuck. It felt almost like Chuck had some kind of head start, having known about their shared history from the beginning while Raleigh was doing his best to catch up.

It was nowhere near perfect but Raleigh hadn't expected it to be either. He didn't _want_ it to be.

But it was obviously working out a lot better than anyone had anticipated – especially Herc, if his baffled look of surprise was anything to go by. Considering how tense things had been between Raleigh and Chuck before it was understandable if the people around them found the sudden amicable atmosphere to be a bit weird.

Especially since most of it was Chuck's doing. He _chose_ to be more civil.

Raleigh knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that Chuck was calmer and more cooperative with him than anyone else in the Shatterdome, which was both flattering and left him with a suffocating sense of responsibility. It made him nervous to know that Chuck gave Raleigh free passes he usually wouldn't grant other people. Raleigh guessed that it was unintentional, accepting Mako's explanation that it was probably lingering fondness and loyalty from Chuck's childhood, but it still left a warm, aching feeling in Raleigh's chest.

In some small way he was special to Chuck and that alone was something to cherish.

Raleigh visited often. He knew he might be overdoing it but Chuck never told him not to and Herc didn't seem to mind. Sometimes Herc even let Raleigh bring Max with him when he went to see Chuck, because if there was one thing that never failed to brighten Chuck's mood it was his dog. The fact that Max probably shouldn't have been there on accounts of it being the sickbay was brushed aside by Herc. Being Marshal clearly had its benefits.

Slowly but surely the days passed, turning into a week and then a second.

It took a while before they properly discussed the letters and then only because Raleigh insisted. Chuck seemed prepared to just accept it as handled already but Raleigh wanted to explain himself and make sure that Chuck knew that he hadn't intended to hurt him. Raleigh wasn't sure if he managed to get his point across but he chose to take the slight easing of Chuck's tense shoulders as a good sign.

Chuck didn't want to discuss Operation Pitfall nor the week he had spent in Japan. Granted that he probably didn't remember much either way but he avoided both subjects with increasingly blunt evasive maneuvers whenever someone asked. Raleigh quickly decided not to pressure Chuck about it, simply because it wasn't his place to meddle anyway.

He did ask a lot about Chuck's time at the Academy though and his years as a Ranger. Those were the ones Raleigh had missed and the ones he had always wondered about. To his surprise Chuck told him without much prompting, almost as he was just as eager to discuss it – as if he had been waiting for the chance to finally tell Raleigh and know that he would listen.

Sweet, innocent Charlie was definitely still in there somewhere, even if he was hidden underneath layers of arrogance and self-defense mechanisms.

That was the thing with Chuck. Most of his bad behavior came from the fact that he was desperately trying to hide his flaws and insecurities. It didn't excuse his bad habits but it did make it easier for Raleigh to see the goodness behind it all. The harshness was more of a shell than something that permeated Chuck's entire being. It would undoubtedly always be there but the more Raleigh talked to him and the more Chuck relaxed the friendlier and more open he became.

Chuck seemed to be in an even better mood when he was finally allowed to get out of bed and walk around on his own. His ribs and other injuries made his movements stiff and cautious but Raleigh could understand the need for independence. Raleigh was glad that he never felt a need to outright help or dote on Chuck, simply because he knew how much Chuck would have hated that. Chuck could do this on his own, even if he seemed to appreciate Raleigh's presence.

If there was one thing Raleigh was grateful for it was that. He didn't want to know what would have happened to Chuck if he had felt that he had no one to rely on – the amount of damage Chuck would have caused himself by keeping everything bottled up inside.

Not that they ever discussed Chuck's injuries and progress in anything but brief and concise sentences, but he didn't shut Raleigh out either. Sometimes Chuck even seemed more favorable to having Raleigh close rather than his dad, and Mako was welcome to visit whenever she liked. Chuck actually looked surprisingly _happy_ after four weeks had passed since the closing of the Breach, despite the fact that he still suffered from phantom pains in his right arm from time to time.

It was still a slow progress and Chuck had his bad days when frustration and anger seemed to fill whatever room he currently inhabited – a crackling tension in the air that had most people ducking out to avoid him – but there was no denying the fact that there _was_ progress. His wounds healed, his mood brightened and the discussions about a prosthetic arm was met with a surprising amount of enthusiasm.

Perhaps it was because Chuck had been piloting what had essentially been an extension of his own body since he was barely old enough to drive a car, but he didn't seem to find it negative that his arm would be of the same technology. J-tech was familiar and signaled safety in a way that few things did. Fact was that whatever prosthetic the J-techs came up with would probably be better than his human arm, which was something that Chuck would no doubt be childishly smug about – especially considering how long he had thought that the Jaegers were cool.

In that moment he was definitely more of an eager boy who just found out that he would be getting a robot arm than a seasoned soldier who needed a prosthetic to make up for the limb he had lost in battle. The difference between the two was rather glaring, in the best way possible.

Raleigh tried to convince himself that Chuck wasn't the least bit adorable.

More than anything though he was happy to see Chuck feel so enthusiastic about the whole thing. Chuck was smiling more often and while his relationship with his dad was still tense and there were times when Raleigh thought that Chuck should probably go through something a bit more thorough than a brief psych eval, he seemed content. Chuck looked happy.

He wasn't comfortable with the loss of his arm around other people than those closest to him but he didn't lock himself up either. As soon as he was allowed he took Max for walks around the Shatterdome, not minding if Raleigh or Mako tagged along. One time Raleigh even found Chuck deeply immersed in a conversation with Tendo about whatever technological miracle they found interesting at the moment. Raleigh was by no means dumb but the amount of technical babble alone was enough to make his head spin.

It was almost sad that Tendo would be leaving soon thereafter, heading back to his family.

Most people were, in fact. With the war over people were longing to get back to whatever homes they still had left. Raleigh didn't have anywhere to go, not like they did, but he certainly didn't hold it against them. If anything he was happy for them and the fact that they had someone to share peacetimes with.

Raleigh had that too, of course – Mako, Chuck, Max and even Herc – but it was difficult to say where he belonged. Which was partly why he just stayed at the 'dome, not sure what else he was supposed to be doing. He figured that he would wait it out and see what plans the others had, then maybe adjust his own accordingly. He really didn't mind since he would rather be with them than alone again.

A part of him – a very rebellious part – urged him to explore the emotions he was getting well acquainted with whenever he thought of Chuck, but Raleigh held it back. Not so much out of insecurity as the fact that he didn't want to impose.

Chuck always seemed to avoid physical contact, either because he didn't like it as a whole or because of his recent loss of a limb. Or perhaps it was just touching Raleigh that made him uncomfortable, but either way it would have been terribly inconsiderate to push it on Chuck when he was in the middle of his recovery.

Still, Raleigh knew that he wasn't quite successful at keeping it hidden, not when Mako kept giving him meaningful looks and Herc eyed him a little suspiciously from time to time. Even Max seemed to be observing him with increasingly judgmental glares, but Raleigh told himself it was all in his imagination.

The only one who didn't seem to notice was Chuck, which, all things considered, was probably a blessing. Chuck wasn't the best at social cues.

Raleigh still kept it mostly under wraps. He could feel it pulsing like a warm, insistent glow under his skin but only let the occasional burst of fondness shine through. His attraction to Chuck was undeniably physical – Raleigh loved each and every one of Chuck's smiles, even the smug ones, and while he partly despised the cockiness he still liked Chuck's unshakable confidence – but that was only scratching the surface.

Underneath all that Chuck was brilliant. He was an intense, complex mix of traits and emotions that was impossible to control but certainly not immune to Raleigh's influence either. If anything he seemed almost incapable of not taking Raleigh's suggestions and wishes into consideration.

Raleigh tried not to read too much into it.

Because as much as he liked Chuck fact still remained that friendship was the only thing they had promised each other. It might be the only thing Chuck wanted and Raleigh did his outmost not to overanalyze anything. If he started seeing signs of reciprocation it might just be his own wishful thinking.

But he could deal with that. Chuck's friendship was exactly as breathtaking as Raleigh had imagined it to be and he could be grateful for what he had rather than yearn for things he didn't, no matter what Mako was trying to tell him.

That said it probably served him right when it turned out that ignoring any sign of mutual interest from Chuck in belief that he was seeing things was quite a stupid thing to do. Completely moronic, as a matter of fact.

And Raleigh was supposed to be the more attentive and emotionally mature of the two.

It actually took Raleigh by surprise when it finally came to a head, mostly because he wasn't the one who brought it up. He had always thought that it would be him, simply because he had been carrying it around for weeks by then. But he had to admit that he had no idea what Chuck was feeling – or how long _he_ had been thinking about it.

Or maybe he was so surprised because it wasn't the least bit dramatic. A part of him had somehow expected that it would be, considering the kind of people they were.

Chuck had been back at the Shatterdome for five weeks by then – the Breach closed for six weeks – and the PPDC was slowly but surely being dismantled. Gear was packed up and shipped away, sections of the Shatterdome were closed off as soon as they were emptied and fewer and fewer people milled around in the hallways. There wasn't much for them to do anyway.

Raleigh was in all honesty one of them, if he didn't count helping Mako when needed and keeping Chuck company. The latter sounded far too patronizing for Raleigh's tastes and wasn't even particularly necessary. Chuck could take care of himself.

They had started the outfitting and testing of the prosthetic arm by then but until all the kinks were worked out and it was deemed safe by all the techs and doctors Chuck wasn't allowed to use it outside of those instances. Still, Chuck was obviously looking forward to it.

Raleigh was so happy for him he could barely stop grinning.

He still took every opportunity he got to spend time with Chuck, which was why he readily agreed to come along when it was time for one of Max's walks. Raleigh let Chuck decide where they went and wasn't disappointed in the least when they ended up on a smaller section of tarmac, overlooking the ocean. It was still somewhat chilly in the air, a healthy wind blowing, but Raleigh didn't mind all that much when he braced his elbows against the metal railing, looking at the view.

Chuck let go of Max's leash, allowing the bulldog to lumber back and forth as he pleased, tracking scents as he went. Chuck was on Raleigh's right, as seemed to be his habit ever since he lost his arm. It was if he didn't quite want Raleigh to see the empty space where his right arm should be, always keeping his left closest to Raleigh if possible. Raleigh didn't have the heart to point it out or demand more trust than Chuck was ready to give. Maybe there would come a time when Chuck felt less self-conscious about it but it would definitely take more than a couple of weeks to reach that point.

"What are you going to do, once the 'dome has been dismantled?" Chuck asked all of a sudden.

Raleigh might have asked himself that a couple of times but he and Chuck rarely discussed the future for some reason. He couldn't say that he minded though.

"Not sure," he replied with a shrug. "I guess I'll just pester one of you guys until you tire of me, then move on to the next."

Chuck chuckled, his hand curled lightly around the railing, not far from Raleigh's elbow.

"I still don't know what I'm going to do," Chuck offered without Raleigh having to ask. That was one of the things that were so obviously different from before – Chuck shared things without being defensive and difficult about it. "I guess I have to find myself a job or something, but it feels weird, you know? I don't think I ever planned to be anything but a Ranger."

Raleigh's grin came easily and he couldn't help the fondness coloring it.

"I know. You wouldn't shut up about it."

Chuck shot Raleigh a sharp glare but he scoff sounded amused rather than insulted. It was a relief to be able to talk about the letters without either of them flinching or feeling uncomfortable. As painful as the events surrounding them were Raleigh was still grateful for how they had tied him and Chuck together – the fact that even years later they cherished what it gave them.

Chuck's letters were still an important memory for them both.

And Raleigh knew for a fact that Chuck had kept the ones he had written. Not that Raleigh had had any intention of asking for them – they were meant for Chuck, even the one he had written after he thought that he was dead – and Chuck hadn't offered to return them either. He just kept them, without question, as if bringing it up would mean he'd have to give them back.

"Hey, Raleigh."

It was partly the disbelief at hearing Chuck say his name with the proper pronunciation and partly how close Chuck was standing when Raleigh looked up but he couldn't help blinking in surprise. Chuck was really close.

Raleigh felt a swoop in his stomach that was mostly good but also a tiny bit terrifying.

His sense of confusion only grew when Chuck placed his hand on Raleigh's shoulder – it was difficult to tell who he was steadying – and leaned in to press a kiss against Raleigh's lips.

It was slightly off-centre, chaste and surprisingly sweet, but more than anything it was questioning. Not hesitant – few things Chuck did were – but there was definitely some kind of query in there, as if Chuck was testing to see how Raleigh would react.

Raleigh was so stunned that he didn't manage to even consider kissing back before Chuck pulled away again. Not that Chuck seemed to take offense, his expression thoughtful and perhaps even a little accusing. Suspicious almost.

"That's it, right?"

Raleigh opened his mouth but nothing came out. Chuck's hand was still on his shoulder, warm even through the fabric of Raleigh's sweater, and he stood close enough that Raleigh could see all the tiny flecks of color in his eyes.

Had that just happened?

Nothing could have prepared him for that and Raleigh had no idea whatsoever what he was supposed to do now. He could still feel the faint press of Chuck's lips against his own and that only served to make his scrambled brain even less successful in catching up with the situation.

"You keep giving me these looks sometimes, when you think I'm not aware of it. I thought it was just me imagining things until Mako started hinting about it, and then my dad flat out asked what your deal was. As in whether you and I were involved somehow," Chuck explained calmly, looking into Raleigh's eyes as if this was completely normal. Like it was any other conversations between them. "But you never said or did anything, so I wasn't sure. Whenever I tried to flirt back you just seemed to ignore me and for a while I figured it might be because I was shite at it or maybe it was your way of letting me down easy or some bullshit like that, but you kept doing it."

They were practically sharing their body heat and Raleigh almost jumped when Chuck poked his cheek, as if to make sure that he still had his attention. Raleigh felt rather embarrassed by how fast his heart was beating and just show shallow his breathing was. He had not expected this to happen, not in a million years.

"But that's it, right? You didn't realize I wanted it too. That's what you've been freaking out about." The last bit wasn't quite phrased like a question but Raleigh found himself nodding all the same. Chuck's chuckle was a soft gust against his cheek and Raleigh felt a smile build on his lips.

As confused as he was he could latch on to the most important part, which was that Chuck was apparently not adverse to the whole idea of being more than just friends.

"I guess I've been a bit-... thick, as you would call it," Raleigh admitted.

"Yeah, I would definitely call it that," Chuck agreed, his grin wide and breathtakingly genuine.

He looked so at ease, as if it had never even occurred to him that he might be wrong – as if it was obvious which way this whole conversation would be going and that going out in a limb and kissing Raleigh out of the blue was completely reasonable. While that kind of confidence could easily have been an insult it clearly wasn't this time. Chuck was so sure about this because he trusted his instincts – he trusted _Raleigh_ – and he saw no reason to be nervous.

Chuck already knew what Raleigh's answer would be and there was nothing sinister or malicious about it, just a quiet sincerity that obviously made Chuck smile brighter than usual. That smile felt like a punch in the gut, just for how innocently trusting it was.

Raleigh couldn't help himself. This meant that he had permission, right?

He reached out, his hand curling around the fabric of Chuck's shirt to hold him steady, before leaning in to kiss the dimple on Chuck's left cheek. It seemed to take Chuck by surprise, at least for a second or two, and Raleigh pulled back enough to smile brilliantly at him.

"I just had to do that."

Chuck's eyes narrowed.

"I think it's better if I don't ask."

"Yeah," Raleigh agreed, "probably."

It was impossible not to smile. Chuck might still be doing his best to angle himself in a way that meant that Raleigh wouldn't immediately take notice of his missing limb and Raleigh's thoughts were spinning faster than he could interpret them, but this, right here, was worth it. The curl of happiness and hope in Raleigh's chest was making him giddy with excitement and it didn't take long for Chuck to roll his eyes.

"You're such a dork."

As true as that might be Raleigh ignored it, instead letting his hand trail upward until he could slip it behind Chuck's neck.

"Just shut up, Charlie," he mumbled before pulling Chuck closer, silencing whatever complaints or disagreements he might feel a need to voice. Kissing Chuck was a really nice way of keeping him quiet.

This time the kiss was firm and indulgent, a delightful burn tickling through Raleigh's veins. Chuck kissed with the same intensity he did everything else and had they been in a less public location Raleigh would no doubt have explored that in exquisite detail.

But there was no rush. They would get there eventually and Raleigh had no doubt in his mind that whatever the future held he would love every second of it. The Breach was closed, the war was over and Chuck was alive. All things considered things were definitely looking up.

Raleigh was grinning when they pulled apart and he couldn't help ruffling a hand through Chuck's hair, just because he felt like it.

"I must admit that I'm quite curious though," he said while Chuck tried to swat his hand away. "Just how long have you had a crush on me?"

Chuck stiffened for a second before he started going a little red, which was admittedly one of the cutest things Raleigh had seen in his entire life.

"Piss off," Chuck muttered, but he sounded embarrassed rather than angry. "I'm not going to feed your bloody ego. It's big enough as it is."

Raleigh couldn't help laughing, leaning in to bump his forehead against Chuck's.

"What does that mean? Weeks? Months? Years?"

Chuck pushed him back, his expression forcibly sullen despite how a smile was twitching on his lips. He seemed to have a hard time maintaining his grumpy demeanor.

"It means bloody long enough, you pompous git. Now shut up or I'll sic Max on ya'."

Raleigh didn't back up but he did throw a quick glance in the dog's direction, not surprised to find that Max was off minding his own business, not the least bit interested in what Chuck and Raleigh were doing.

"He wouldn't. He likes me too much."

Chuck was still trying to fight against his smile but it was a losing battle. Eventually he seemed to give up, but not without first tugging Raleigh closer. He was clearly indecisive about whether he wanted to have him near or not.

Raleigh went easily, stepping into Chuck's personal space without hesitation. He was careful not to touch Chuck's right side, knowing that it probably wouldn't be met favorably – not yet – but felt relaxed and welcome all the same.

"That makes two of us, I guess," Chuck mumbled, almost to himself.

Raleigh didn't try to hide the dorky grin on his lips, not even when it made Chuck roll his eyes and snort in a clearly condescending manner. Because no matter how unimpressed Chuck pretended to be he was still smiling, up until the point Raleigh kissed him again and he got other things to think about. Chuck didn't seem to mind, responding to the kiss with the same kind of firm, relentless intensity as before.

Raleigh wouldn't have it any other way.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have the final chapter! Happy ending as promised! [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum) \- my beta - actually wanted me to keep the unhappy ending, by the way, so if you ever wanted confirmation that she's nuts you have it right there. 
> 
> Anyways! It's been great, you guys! Thank you so much for all the lovely comments and the kudos! You make it a joy to post in the Pacific Rim fandom and I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have! Now I'm going to get some work done before I travel back home. My uncle is getting married tomorrow and the dresscode is 'Wilderness and/or hunting gear', because that's my family in a nutshell for you. I WILL ALSO GET TO SEE LIKE AT LEAST TEN DOGS. We have lots of dogs.
> 
> Here's my [Tumblr](http://amethystinawrites.tumblr.com/) for those who are interested! Bye for now, lovelies! :D


End file.
